


A New Beginning

by the_efficient_eskimo



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canonical Character Death, F/M, Feels, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Torture, Past Violence, Sorry Not Sorry, Spoilers, butthurt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-22
Updated: 2017-10-21
Packaged: 2018-02-14 05:57:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 16
Words: 34,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2180541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_efficient_eskimo/pseuds/the_efficient_eskimo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It had finally happened. You were standing still, eyes wide with horror. "Petra is.." You couldn't believe it... No. You wouldn't believe it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"Petra is..." 

You breathed slowly, feeling as though your heart was coming up your throat. You took a long, deep breath of air and exhaled. That usually helped you in emotional situations, though this time... You didn't think anything would work this time. You clenched your jaw and felt hot tears stinging your eyes and blurring your vision. 

"Damn," you whispered under your breath as you held a proud stance. The Commander nodded lightly and turned away, a slight look of pain on his face. Out in the background you could see bewildered cadets watching you, sympathizing with you, or simply staring off into the distance, images of brutality steam-pressed into their memory forever. 

You held your salute for some time before dropping your hands to your sides. Petra. It echoed throughout your mind. As you slowly turned towards headquarters, your eyes focused on Petra's father who seemed to be conversing with Corporal. You tried your best to listen in on the conversation as they slowly walked nearby. 

"…she mentioned that you respected her abilities enough to let her join your squad," Petra's father said, "that she was going to devote herself to you." 

_Devote herself to him? Did she..?_

Their voices faded as they passed you on the dirt road. As they did, you caught a glimpse of Corporal's shadowed face. An expression you'd never seen him make before. He was having a difficult time listening to the conversation, you could tell, with his memories of the past. He walked consistently with his front facing ahead, probably trying his best to shake the man off without being too forward. 

"Well, I guess she's too starry-eyed to consider how her father feels!" Petra's father kept up, a bit of nervousness coming up in his voice, "Well, as her father, I think it's too early for her to marry." 

Your breath hitched. He doesn't know, you thought as you lowered your head and moved farther and farther away. Dodging angry citizens as they called you the usual slew of vulgar words, you headed back towards headquarters. You felt your legs go numb and your arms weaken. You tried your absolute best to stay prim and proper as you regularly were. 

Not now. Not here. You reached your dorm, twisted the brass handle with a shaky hand and slid yourself inside.  
You were well aware of your feelings and you didn't like it. The feeling of losing someone close. The feeling of losing the only person you were close with. The other Elites and Cadets, frankly, thought of you as a droid; hardly ever talking to anyone and basically just keeping to yourself.  
Except Petra..  
You blinked back tears. No. You promised yourself. You abruptly got up and walked over to your desk, fetching your book and a pen. Dipping the pen in ink, you began writing. Actually, sketching. You let your mind do whatever it wanted this time. There was no holding back. 

 

_"(Reader)!" she said, a smile spread wide across her face, "I got some extra for you. I know you don't like standing in lines.. So here you go." she handed you some of the extra food that was being given out to the starved cadets._

_"Ral..." you said, confused. You looked her in the eyes._

_"Call me Petra, you sound like the drill instructor." she giggled and sat down right beside you._

_You couldn't really say anything back. You didn't really know what to say at all; you'd never really talked to people. But for that moment, you felt something change in you. From the moment you saw that shining smile of hers, it almost made you feel happy. Almost. But as that bond grew bigger and bigger and she dug in deeper and deeper, you felt, for the first time in a very long time, content. You were okay with life for the moment, as long as you could see that big shining smile._

You were suddenly awoken by a loud knock on the door. You gasped. Shit. Bunk inspections. You mentally slapped yourself in the face. This'll be terrifying, you thought. You got up and swiftly checked yourself to make sure you were presentable. You were nothing close to it. One quick look in your mirror and you found that you had giant, and I mean giant, bags under your eyes. Your skin looked shiny from grease and your eyes bloodshot and moist. Your hair was strewn out everywhere from your tight bun. 

"(Last Name)!" you heard the Captain. Shit. 

You decided it was no use trying to act it off. Your night had been the worst night of your life. As far as emotion came, you didn't like to express it. You gave a sad sigh and went over to your door. You prayed for your life as you twisted the knob calmly and was pushed back by the door being forced open. 

"Sir," you saluted. You felt your heart beat quicken at the sight of his enraged expression. He pushed you to the side and quickly started surveying your room. Your room, for one, wasn't actually bad. The only things out of place were you book and your ink you were using the night before. 

You watched as he lifted the side of your book up and let it fall. You could see his discontent with the thing being out. He then looked around a little more to find your bed made neatly and your clothes put away nicely. Your room was never one to be dirty. You were very organized most of the time and didn't like things out of place. Petra understood that about you.

 _Petra._

"(Last Name)." you heard the Captain say. You came out of your daze and your gaze met with a displeased one. 

"You look like shit," he said bluntly, "you failed the inspection. 20 laps." 

As expected. Merciless Captain is merciless. 

"Yes, Captain." you said dryly. You hated laps with a burning passion. Seriously, damn them all. 

"And have fun trying to find something to eat. The food's probably all eaten up now." he said, turning on his heal and making his way out your door. 

"Sure." you said sardonically. You instantly regretted your word when he stopped in his tracks. Bad move. 

"Was that sarcasm I just heard?" he said with irritation, slightly turning his cheek so that you could see the corner of his right eye. 

"No sir, I apologize sir." you said almost nervously. He really seemed on edge today. 

"Then why would you apologize?" He said dryly taking a step towards you. Damn, what was with him? He's never been so touchy with attitude. Or maybe it was because it was coming from you? You were never the one to be sarcastic or mean or sassy about something. That was always Petra. You felt your eyes get a little warm as you tried to think of what to say, whilst Levi neared you. 

_Petra_ , you thought. _Dammit. No._

You would've replied to him if another figure hadn't appeared in your room. It wasn't anybody you knew, but he had the Recon Corps crest on his uniform. You and Levi both noticed him as he strolled in with some empty boxes. 

"Hello Captain, (Last Name)," the man saluted, "I've come to, uh, gather her things." he motioned towards Petra's side of the room. He continued into the room and set the box down next to Petra's bed, starting to open a drawer. 

"Wait," you said, grabbing his hand away from the drawer. What were you doing? 

"Erm, what?" the man said, obviously confused and a tad scared at your action. 

"C-can you maybe come do it a little later?" you stuttered and your grip on his hand got a little tighter. The man winced, making you realize what you were doing. You were embarrassed of your actions. 

"I'm sorry," you said, releasing his hand from your death-grip. 

"I don't think that's possible," he said, "but I can work something out." You discovered a look of understanding in his eyes and you thanked God for it. Half-expecting the Corporal to instantly shove down the idea of putting off the clean-up of the room, you held your breath. You never heard a testimonial from the man. The both of you watched as the man took his boxes and left the room. The two of you were quiet for a very long time, and you realized just how quiet his breathing was. You contemplated if he was alive or not. Maybe he was a vampire? 

"Like I said," he started, visibly startling you, "20 laps. Be quick about it." You watched him lead himself out of the room and close the door behind him. 

_what._


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It had finally happened. You were standing still, eyes wide with horror. "Petra is.." You couldn't believe it... No. You wouldn't believe it.

You sighed as all the memories came rushing towards you like a tidal wave. Picking up the nearly-empty perfume bottle felt like a challenge itself. It was night. It might have been the fact that you ran 20 laps without stopping and your ordinary routine of gruesome training, but your whole body felt heavy, like Petra's belongings gave off an aura of uneasiness and heartache. You had been thinking comforting thoughts that Petra would always recite to you whenever she a had a close friend who had died. 

"They're in a safe place now," she'd say. 

"Their work here was finished and it was time for them to go," she'd whispered, consoling herself before she'd make an attempt to hide her muffled cries in her pillow. You'd always plop down on the side of her bed after walking over quietly. You'd gently stroke her auburn hair and give her reassuring rubs until she sobbed herself to sleep. 

You'd tried saying all that to yourself. Though the fact of the matter was that it was total bullshit and you knew it. 'It was their time'? No. Their time was ripped from them by freakish monsters we don't know jack shit about. 

Your thoughts came to a halt as you came across a small chest. You lifted the clasp upward, only to find it was locked. You scratched your head. 

_Hmm... Why would Petra have something locked away?_

You'd been told time and time again by countless elites, in your cadet days, that material possessions weren't something to have in the army. Petra always abided that rule. Maybe it's something to remember her family? Or maybe an important note? There really was no way of knowing, and breaking it open was out of the question. On that note, you continued your search through her belongings. 

Petra didn't have many little mementos or little charms that you could keep to remember her. Definitely not the perfume, because in all honesty.. you knew she hated the stuff. It was weird smelling and Petra wasn't into that kind of stuff. Though it was a gift from her mother -- a very expensive gift, since perfume was a rarity -- so it was basically a law that she wear it on special occasions, such as dinner nights with all the elites or festivals that she'd always attended when she had the chance. You sighed, recalling how much she loved going to those festivals. 

You found yourself holding a pearl necklace. She had gotten it a while ago at a local festival. Your mind flashed back to the memory. 

 

 _"(First Name), look at this!" she exclaimed, anticipating your reaction to the thing._

_"It's a necklace," you said, looking at the shiny pearls glistening in the moonlight, "What about it?"_

_"(First Name), it's a pearl necklace."_

_"And?" you weren't getting her logic whatsoever._

_She let out a small giggle. How you loved that smile._

_"Pearls are said to cure depression in women," she smiled widely, "Oh, I was thinking of getting it for you," she joked._

_You scoffed at her words and cocked an eyebrow._

_"But seriously," she sighed. "They're beautiful." she stared at the white pearls. The look on her face was pure and beautiful. Serene._

_"W-Why don't you get it?" you slightly stuttered, getting embarrassed after seeing her face in such a state._

_"For myself?" she asked._

_"Well," you began, almost timidly, "Yeah... You wanted to get something, right? That's why you brought money..." you pointed at her satchel that hung nicely against her faded pink skirt._

_"I was um.. actually," she hesitated for a moment. "I was going to buy something for you."_

_You gasped lightly and you swore you felt a blush creep onto your features. She smiled the most heart-warming smile you've ever seen. That's it. You were definitely blushing now._

_"R-Ral.. I mean, er, Petra, you don't have to get anything for me," you said, "I know you've been saving that money up... So just, I don't know..." you stumbled on your words. You hadn't said anything like this in a long time, "..Let me get it for you."_

_Petra's face showed a series of emotions. From concerned- because of your stuttering speech- to surprised, and finally elated and full of joy._

_"(First Name)!" she exclaimed, suddenly wrapping her arms around you in a big hug. You let go quickly, not used to physical contact from another person._

_"But," you started again, "you're going to have to buy it with my money." You started going through your bag, searching for your wallet._

_"W-Wait, but why?" she asked, obviously confused at your suggestion._

_"Well, since you're talking of superstitious bullcrap," you smirked, "Pearls are also known to be bad luck if they're given as a gift."_

_"..So that's why I have to buy them?"_

_"Yes, but with my money, so it's technically a gift but technically not since you handed the money over to the merchant."_

_She giggled._

_"You're amazing, (First Name)." She turned around just in time to miss the biggest, realest smile you'd shown in a long, long time._

 

You frowned at the memory. 

"I wonder," you thought aloud, "if there's a superstition about keeping a dead person's pearl necklace." 

Your legs twitched from underneath you at the sound of the door swinging open. You quickly turned to meet eyes with your superior. 

"Sir." you got up and saluted the Corporal. His eyes went from yours to the pile of Petra's belongings. 

"Are you finished?" he asked, straight faced. 

You left your stance and drifted your gaze to your little pile of things you'd decided to keep. Most of it was for close friends and family of Petra's. 

"… Just about, sir." you finally stated. A sad silence followed. You'd thought at the moment that both of you were feeling the same thing. Something wasn’t right about it. You had known, in the deep depths of your brain, that Petra was most likely going to die on one of these missions. You had always pushed the thought back. Now that it'd actually happened, you couldn't quite bring yourself to accept it. There wasn't any closure. There were things your wanted to show her, things you wanted to say to her. 

After what seemed like an eternity, you looked Levi straight into his steel blue eyes. 

"Corporal." 

"What?" he muttered, glaring eyes piercing your gaze like they've never done before. 

"I, uh.." you started, not knowing how to put your thoughts into words, "How... How did Petra die?" 

He turned his head away, almost like he was dodging your question. 

"You don't know enough to understand what happened..." His eyebrows scrunched together in thought. 

You went back to your pile of trinkets and grabbed a piece of cloth. It was an embroidery that Petra had made a while back out of boredom. On it stood a proud pair of wings -- the Wings of Freedom. Holding it in your hands, you looked your superior in the eyes again. He seemed a bit uneasy by your unusual behavior. 

"This is for you," you held the cloth out, "...to remember." He looked at the cloth with his usual steely expression, only a flicker of feeling rising in his eyes. He slowly took it from your fingers, folded it up, and put it neatly in his jacket pocket. Folding his arms behind his back, he nodded once in approval. 

He turned and led himself out of your dorm. _Wait_ , you thought, _he just came in to see how I was doing?_

Your thoughts turned to Levi for the moment. 

_Did he feel responsible?_

The whole time he was there, he was as stern and glaring as ever, maybe a hint of sadness showing in his eyes. You've always wondered about Levi. You knew Petra had thought of him as a magnificent soldier, and she'd never thought of him any other way. She would always speak of how funny it was that Levi was actually a thug in the underground. Though, she would also say she thought it was amazing that you were in the Survey Corps, as well. Your mind strayed.  
You remembered how she'd always told you she wanted you to be happy.  
_"Someday, I want to see you hanging with these other fellows, they're not half bad!"_ she'd exclaimed as you scoffed and thought, Pf, I don't need anybody else. 

For the next hour or so, you pondered. You pondered how she died, what her last words were, what her father had said to Corporal, and many, many things...and frankly, it wasn't making you feel any better. You felt empty. You, honest to God, didn't know what to do with yourself. You didn't even get to say a proper goodbye when she left for the mission. 

Your heart sank. You found it extremely hard to cry. 

_Why aren't I crying?_

_Aren't you supposed to cry when a close friend dies?_

_It's what Petra would've done._

You wondered if she was terrified in her last seconds, if it was a gory and painful death, if it was surprising and a total accident that shouldn't have happened. You wondered why, just why they didn't bring back a body to bury. You needed closure, you needed to say goodbye, you needed to sing her that damned song... 

Your eyes filled with tears and you clenched your fists. You felt like you were suffocating. You got a sudden urge to write ugly things, to draw ugly things, to do something totally out of your character to get these thoughts out. You needed closure. Closure. Where would you get it? Her family? Friends? 

You felt like punching something, or someone. Extremely aggravated and emotionally drained, you curled up on the floor, unable to move yourself from the position. 

_Petra, what the actual fuck._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ayy lmao
> 
> Like promised, here's the second chapter. The next two will be posted sometime today.
> 
> Attack on Titan, along with its characters, belong to Isayama Hajime. woop woop
> 
> I like to take things slow and build up the story, but I hope you're enjoying it so far :D


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It had finally happened. You were standing still, eyes wide with horror. "Petra is.." You couldn't believe it... No. You wouldn't believe it.

"Tch.." you muttered as you ripped the tape and secured the rest around your arm. Life had, unsurprisingly, gotten tough. You inched yourself into a squatting position and straightened your legs. You winced. Even standing up was painful. 

You sighed. You were getting tired of this. As you grabbed your button-up, a loud knock sounded from your door. 

"Don't come in." you said, a little louder than you wanted to sound. To your surprise, nobody answered you. To be quite honest, you were expecting Corporal.  
Ever since Petra's death, he'd been coming by your room a lot more often. Before she died, he didn't really bother coming by at all. It was like you were invisible. The two of you rarely spoke to one another. 

After you thought you were decent, you opened the door to see if the person (whoever it was) was still there. They were. Standing in front of you was one of the new recruits; a Cadet. You didn't know his name since you didn't really work with the Cadets, but you took note of how intense his blue eyes were. It caught you off guard. As soon as he saw you, he saluted, almost nervously. 

"Ma'am," he started, "your company is needed by Commander Erwin." 

_Why did he salute me?_ you thought. 

"Oh." you replied. The two of you stood there a little while longer. You didn't really know what to say to that, or if you should even say anything. The air around you turned awkward. 

"W-Well," he finally said, "have a nice day, ma'am." he turned and started walking back down the hall, probably eager to get out of the Elites' area. You had to admit, you were intimidated by the place as a newbie. 

"Uh, hey," you called after him before he was too far down the hall. 

"Yes, ma'am?" 

_What's up with this 'ma'am' shit?_

"What's your name?" you asked, almost ordered. 

His eyes widened a bit. "Oh me?" he said sheepishly, "My name is Armin Arlert, and you?" 

_Ahhh. So he didn't know me either._

"You can call me (Last Name). That's what everyone calls me." 

"Well, all right (Last Name). It was nice finally meeting you." he smiled warmly. You didn't know what it was that hit you, but something felt like it had. You could only stare at his grin and nod. You swung the door shut after immediately retreating back into it. That smile... 

You put your head in your hands.  
_He probably thinks I'm the strangest person now.._

To add onto that, your appearance probably would've freaked anybody out. What you thought had been decent was far from it. Your (h/c) hair was down and messy, both your hands were in bandages, and last but not least, blood from your wound had seeped through the bandage and had stained your shirt. Your white shirt. Damn it. You fought back the urge to punch something, your pain being the thing holding you back. Instead, you changed your bandages.  
You had really turned into a klutz. Your thoughts were always far off and you found yourself daydreaming more often than not. Most of them were flashbacks. 

During your time in the forest, where all the trainees trained, you worked on your 3dmg skills independently. You focus was better out there. You were skilled with the 3dmg, and had a reputation of being able to keep up with Corporal sometimes. While you were on your way back, you made the terrible mistake of forgetting to unhook your wire from one of the trees. Before you knew it, you were on the ground with a huge gash from your sword. 

Tending to it on your own was not an easy task. 

Keeping it secret wasn't a very easy thing to do either. 

After you finished confirming you were for sure decent, you began walking to Erwin's quarters. Arriving, you hesitated a bit before knocking softly on the wood. 

"Name and business?" you heard. 

"It's (Last Name)." 

"Come in." you heard. You opened the door to greet two figures in the room. You closed the door behind you after recognizing the figure leaning up against a wall as Corporal. 

"Sir." you said and saluted your Commander and Corporal. 

"Please," Erwin motioned towards the empty chair facing his desk, "sit down." 

You gulped. You've never been asked to do that when you were called down there. This is probably serious. Nonetheless, you sat down in the chair and noticed how comfortable it was. You relaxed your injured arm on one of the arm rests. 

"Now," Erwin began, "I'm ready to put you out there. For real, this time." 

_What? Now that sentence was confusing._

Erwin saw your puzzled expression and chuckled to himself. 

"I'm putting you in Levi's squad." 

With that, your eyes widened. _Levi's squad?_

"Before you get apprehensive about it, let me tell you it won't be a mission like the last one." he said, locking his blue eyes with your (e/c) ones. 

_So in other words,_ you thought to yourself, _it won't get me killed like the last squad._

_Like Petra._

You glanced at your new Captain who seemed to be avoiding eye contact and staring off at something. You returned your gaze at your Commander, his hands now locked with each other and covering the bottom part of his face. Your palms started to sweat. 

"So... What do you mean by 'putting me out there'?" you asked. 

"Well, you are aware of what had happened during the last mission, right? You were informed?" 

"Yes, I was." You remember it all too well. Hange was the one who told you. You and her had... an interesting relationship. Hange really loved hanging out and poking fun at you. She called it an "abusive relationship" and though it only one-sided, not knowing that you truly did trust and value her privately. 

Though, just like everyone, there were moments when you really wanted to push her into a titan's mouth. She put great detail into the story and while it may have been a super awesome, action-packed, all-in-a-day's-work story for her, it was a nightmare just listening for you. You could barely concentrate without wanting to slap her. The whole Cadet-Turning-Into-a-Titan was confusing in the first place. You'd heard all the stories from Petra who had to work with him face to face, watching him turn from a tiny human being to a giant monster in the matter of seconds. Now, there were more people like him. Some, like Eren, were on your side. Some obviously weren't. In a way, it was mortally terrifying. 

_That damned female..._

You wanted to find out just who it was and rip it apart. Petra was killed... By it. She was killed by a human dressed as a titan.

Trying to calm your senses, you come to the conclusion that if the Female were to be hidden in the walls, she'd be in the Military Police. 

"We learned from this past mission that there is much more to titan shifters. This is a mission where the only goal is to discover as much as you can about the titan power, which would be Eren." He said, putting his hands down, "I know you're good for this job. I've never seen you make an illogical decision and you rarely screw up." 

You chuckled internally as you felt you arm throbbing in pain. It was mostly true, but you were human. You did screw up sometimes, though you hid it and never allowed anybody to know. Nonetheless, Petra always knew. She saw right through your poker face when you were in pain yet she never told anybody. 

_Probably not wanting to bruise my pride,_ you thought dryly. 

"Thank you." you accepted the compliment. "I accept my position." 

"Good. Departure is in three days. Levi?" he looked to where the short man was standing, "Any words of encouragement?" 

Levi directed his gaze to you. "Don't die." 

While to some it would've seemed normal, like he's just trying to scare you. He did say the phrase a lot, followed by "dumbass" or "brat". But at that moment, you felt a shiver run down you spine, through the nerves of you thighs, all the way down to the tips of your toes. Something about the way he said it to you with his eyes stuck on yours like that was almost... scary. Like he really meant it. 

"Y-Yes sir." you didn't blush. In fact, your whole body felt like ice. 

"Good then," Erwin said, "That's all I wanted to talk to you about." You stood up from the chair, missing it's warmth and comfort the second you were off of it. 

After saluting your superiors, you turned and walked to the door. 

"Oh, and (Last Name)," he said, stopping you in your tracks, "it'd be a good idea to meet the other Cadets working with you on Levi's squad." 

_Crap,_ you thought. _I have to socialize?_

"It is better to have more friends in this type of business, contrary to popular belief. In a way, it keeps your head up." 

_That sounds familiar._ An image of Petra flew through your mind. 

 

"Honestly, (Last Name), you need to interact with your fellow soldiers or the team won't work." He said, "I want you to remember the names and meet them at some point today." 

You sighed, making your distaste obvious. 

"Eren Jaeger, Sasha Braus, Connie Springer, Jean Kirschtein, Mikasa Ackerman, Armin Arlert, Reiner Braun, Bertholdt Fubar, Ymir, and Christa Lenz." 

"I'm never going to remember that." you answered in annoyance. 

"That's too bad, now, isn't it?" He smirked. Woah, Commander. 

"Most of them are probably gonna be wasting time in the mess hall, I know for sure that the blonde flower boy is gonna be in the library." Levi interrupted. 

"Armin?" Erwin asked. 

Captain just nodded. 

Ahhh, there's someone I know already, you thought. I'll just go talk to him and he can help me. 

After saluting your superiors again, you left Erwin's quarters in a less-than-happy state. Knowing you didn't have much free time in the day to socialize, you decided to get started on this mission right away. You headed for the library. Opening the giant doors, you took in the scent of old books. It was a nice smell. 

Since you were looking for someone and not something, it made the whole situation kind of scary. For one, hardly anyone was in the library. You rarely went there; you usually asked Petra to fetch you some books on this or that. It was good that the boy had kind of bold features- that'd help you in your search. He wore his hair a bit longer and you couldn't miss those big blue eyes. Something about them reminded you of her. 

You walked past the history section and found yourself in anatomy. This was your favorite. Feeling a tinge of curiosity, you picked up one of your favorites.  
Flipping through it, you admired the knowledge and understanding of the human body. Though the knowledge was extremely commendable, you couldn't pull yourself away from one key part of anatomy books: drawn subjects. Anatomy had always helped you in drawing subjects, since the human body is one of the hardest things to draw. You could never get a still body out here in the Scouting Legion to take a good, long look at. Anatomy books were your best bet. 

"Oh, hey (Last Name)!" 

You jumped a little in surprise by the sudden voice. You almost sighed in relief, seeing it was Armin. 

"H-Hello." you said, still a bit skittish from the sudden greeting. 

"You like anatomy?" he said, his gaze glossing over the vast selection of information. You could've sworn he had a look of pure love in his eyes. 

"Ahh, yeah. It's just something I've always been interested in.." you said a bit quietly. Talking to other people was weird. 

"Nice. So.. I've never seen you in the library, is there something specific you were looking for? I could probably find it for you." 

You snapped to reality realizing the thing you were looking for was him. The human being standing right in front of you. 

"You." you said, probably a little too serious because Armin's face went from politely interested to slightly terrified. 

"I- Uh," you stuttered, "We're on Levi's squad together. I was recruited just this morning." 

"Levi's squad?!" he exclaimed, "S-s-so you're going to be helping with Eren? You know what's going on?" 

You took a step back in fear of him tackling you. He realized what he was doing and immediately apologized, "I-I'm so sorry, it's just that ever since that mission..." by his expression, you could tell that some heavy shit went down. 

"Nah, it's fine. I get why you'd be scared or anxious about Eren.." 

"Do you know Eren personally?" 

"Er.. No," you said sheepishly, "I don't really know anybody on the squad except for you and the Captain." 

"Oh, do you want to meet them?" he asked, and you thanked God that he did. 

"Yeah, that'd be great." Freaking Erwin... 

"All right, just give me a moment." he said and scurried off somewhere else in the building. 

_...okay._

You relocated yourself to the middle of the library. The place was beautiful- it had a tall ceiling with a giant map of the walls, shelves upon shelves of knowledge and history and fantasy and anything else you could think of. That was one of the good things about being in the Survey Corps: you gained access to these types of places. Most of the libraries were managed by the Survey Corps since they were the ones in need of knowledge most of the time. 

Your attention was shifted to Armin as he carried way too many books in his arms. He seemed to be struggling, so you started walking over and asked him, "You need help?" 

"No thanks, I can carry them," he said as one came tumbling down. You sighed at his attempt to protect his pride and took half the books in his arms, including the one that had dropped. 

"Thanks," he said, an embarrassed smile spreading on his fair face. 

"No problem." After filing the books back where they belong, you both started out towards the mess hall. He talked to you as if he'd known you for a while, just like Petra had done when you'd first met her. You gulped. 

You palms started to sweat as you walked into the mess hall. Well, this is a new feeling, you thought. You had no idea how you were supposed to greet them. This was completely new to you. Before you knew it, you were standing in front of two tables seating nine other cadets. Great, they're all together.  
They all stared at you with bewildered expressions and switched their gaze from you to Armin, searching for an explanation. Armin looked at you. Oh, you were introducing yourself. 

"I'm Elite (Last Name), and I'll be accompanying you all on the next mission by the order of Commander Erwin." 

"I don't think you need to be so formal," Armin half whispered and nudged your arm, earning himself a surprised expression from you. Why was he being so nice? At this point, everyone was on their feet and saluting to you. _Why the hell were they doing that?_

One by one, they told you their name. 

"I'm Christa Lenz, nice to meet you!" 

"Ymir." 

"I'm Reiner." 

"I'm Bertholdt Fubar. 

"I'm Mikasa Ackerman." 

"Sasha Braus, nice to meet you ma'am!" 

"Connie Springer, ma'am." 

"My name's Jean Kirschtein, and this one over here," he patted the other boy on the back a little harder than someone would like, "is the idiot himself."  
The boy shoved him off and said, "I'm Eren Jaeger." 

_So this was him._

"Titan boy?" you said without thinking. You gained quite a few laughs with that comment. Eren stood there, obviously unsure what to say. 

"Sorry Jaeger, I mean are you the titan shifter?" you asked. 

"Yeah, that'd be me." his tone hinted a bit of sadness. You took note of it. 

You took in a big breath of air. "Well," you suddenly said, "it was nice meeting you all." You took a step-- 

"W-Wait," Christa interjected, trying her best not to sound pushy. 

"Yes?" 

"D-Do you know what's going on? This mission seems a bit random after such an event as the last one.." 

You paused to think before speaking again. "I agree with you. My personal thoughts are that we should find out just who it is and try to fix this shitty situation we're in..." 

Everyone looked at you with either surprised or intent expressions, waiting for what you'd say next. 

"..but we should trust the decisions of our superiors and go with it. They've probably put way more thought into it than we have." you said. Everyone seemed to be in deep thought, so you took the chance to walk away from the awkward tension you'd just created. 

"Whew.." you breathed. You started walking back to your dorm. 

"Wait, (Last Name)!" you heard Armin trying to catch up with you. 

Stopped in your tracks and a little annoyed in the least, you returned your attention to the boy. 

"I - er - we.." he tried to catch his breath. 

"We...?" you asked, sounding a bit impatient. 

"We... we know who the female titan is."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello :D Attack on Titan, along with its characters, belong to Isayama Hajime.
> 
> Angsty reader is angsty. Tell me what you think, this is my first ever posted fanfic. :D
> 
> Have a good day, you beautiful person. Until the next chapter ~


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It had finally happened. You were standing still, eyes wide with horror. "Petra is.." You couldn't believe it... No. You wouldn't believe it.

You slammed you hands down on the desk. 

"Commander," you started sternly, looking him dead in the eyes. 

"(Last Name), we have a reason, so you're just going to have to obey orders and go with the plan." he said, trying to calm you. 

You breathed heavily out your nose before asking him in a shaky tone, "Why wasn't I notified...?" 

Silence. 

"WHY WASN'T I NOTIFIED?!" you were shouting at this point. To your surprise, Erwin looked a little frightened. You've never shown such behavior. 

"We have a reaso-" 

"Commander. You cannot, by any means, expect me to trust you if you don't trust me." you've never talked to someone like this. Your voice shook with anger. 

"Now... You're saying that we know the murderer... we know the person who killed--" you stopped yourself. There was no use going on- you were acting childish. You knew perfectly well that you should trust your superiors. You took a deep breath and tried to forget the piercing image in your mind. Your vision blurred. 

"I... apologize, Commander... I just..." _No._ "N-Never mind..." 

Straightening and readying yourself to leave before you embarrassed yourself any further, you heard someone come in. You stopped making any movements, knowing who it was. 

"Erwin, I have more reports from the last mission. Idiotic people aren't getting them in on time..." he griped. He then stopped when he noticed you walk past him and towards the door. 

"(Last Name)." you heard your Captain say, stopping you in your tracks. Taking a slow and silent breath, you turned to him and saluted. 

"Sir." you said, as usual. You felt your eyes to be a bit red from watering. 

His stony glare caught yours. Yeah, you were glaring back. 

"My office, after I'm finished here." 

_Damn,_ you thought. 

You saluted and replied with the usual "Yes, Sir." 

Walking out the door, you dreaded what you had coming. Never have you been called to Levi's quarters. Never. Not even once. You still didn't exactly know how you felt about the man. Petra respected him greatly, and that made you wonder. 

Dammit, Petra. 

You waited patiently outside Erwin's quarters for your Captain. After what seemed hours of standing, you decided it really wasn't worth it. 

You plopped down beside the door, enjoying the feeling of the pain subsiding in your legs. The fall you'd taken earlier had a great impact all throughout your body. Even though your ability to hide being in pain was extraordinary, it was still there. Your arm most likely needed new bandages, your legs ached from falling on them, and your abdomen felt sore to the core from having to walk all the way to your dorm from where you'd fallen. Nothing serious, much to your luck. 

Your bliss was inevitably interrupted by a pair of freshly polished boots. Without looking up, you got up to salute your superior. He nodded, signaling you to follow him. You did as you were instructed with a weary step in your stride. Good for you, his quarters were on the other side of this damn building. Neither of you were in the mood for talking, and the silence caused the air to become awkward. 

You received a surprising amount of worried expressions throughout the hall, including Armin's. You kept your head forward. 

Arriving at your destination, your Captain opened the door and walked inside. You followed suit. His quarters were even cleaner than you expected. Sure, everyone's felt the wrath of Levi and his cleaning expectations, but his quarters went above and beyond that. Like he was going easy on you guys. His desk was spotless, the floors had been swept a few times very thoroughly, and above all, you could not spot a speck of dust. Talk about clean. 

"Sit." he ordered, sitting behind his own desk. You obeyed his command. 

He seemed to wait for you to say something. You didn't have anything to say, so you kept silent. Seemingly getting annoyed with your reticence, he began to speak. 

"Tell me what happened back there." ...and with that, you were stuck. Because what, in the flying fuck, had happened? Are we talking metaphorically? Because metaphorically, you'd filled up a glass of water that took probably years to fill up, and you roundhouse kicked it over. Like you'd break down a door. Now the water was everywhere and you were all wet and sad. So is the glass, too. 

"I let my emotions get the best of me, Sir." 

_Saying stuff like this..._

"How so?" he asked, his disinterest showing. 

"I got angry because I wasn't told that the female titan's identity was known." 

His apathetic gaze fell onto you as it did with basically everyone. 

_Oh no. Here comes a speech._

"I know it's hard, having different experiences and all, but trusting in your superiors is your best bet at either surviving or being some sort of help to mankind." he simply stated. You suppressed a yawn. 

"Even though," he continued, "no one can really know the outcome of things. Nevertheless, right now..." his eyebrows scrunched together more, if that was even possible, "you need to do as you're told. Put your trust in me. Especially on this upcoming mission." 

"Understood, Sir." 

"Did you meet the cadets?" he asked, abruptly changing the subject. 

"Yes, Sir." 

He folded his legs in a neat fashion and created a net of fingers for his chin to rest. The sun hit his face to where his eyes kind of illuminated, sending shivers down your spine. "And what do you think of Eren?" 

_What kind of question was that?_

"I do not understand the question, Sir." 

"Never mind, then." he said, annoyance candidly obvious, "You're dismissed." 

With that, you got up, saluted, and left. You noticed you had sweated through your shirt after taking off your jacket. Your dorm itself felt heavy; it'd felt like that ever since... Well, you know. It had a familiar sense of dreariness that brought back countless, horrible memories of the past. Of those men, of those fingernails... 

You shivered. Thinking about it got to you. 

Your past had been... well, let's just say it was eventful... though not in a good way. 

The thought came to a halt when you heard quite a loud knock and a "Coming in!" 

_That voice... could it be... Oh no._

The door slammed open as you tried to cover yourself up. Flashing the entire Scouting Legion was not on your to-do list. 

_Hange, fucking Christ,_ you though. 

She walked in as if there wasn't a problem at all and started with, "(Last Name)! Glad to see you're well." 

A couple of Elites just so happened to be walking by your dorm just as the intrusion had occurred, causing a bit of curiosity. You walked menacingly towards the door, sweaty shirt wrapped around your naked torso, and made excruciatingly awkward eye contact with the man and woman. They saw the anger boiling and retreated back into their walk to wherever. Slamming the door shut, you swung around to meet Hange's twinkling eyes. 

"(Last Name)!" she exclaimed. You noticed how out-of-the-ordinary her eccentricity was today. 

You sighed in anger. "What." 

"I heard you're on Shorty's squad now?" she asked excitedly. 

"If you mean Lance Corporal's squad, then yes." you muttered, putting on a clean shirt. You wouldn't say you were comfortable around Hange, she kind of just forced herself onto people most of the time. Rather, people just got used to her. 

"How exciting!" she squealed, frightening you. You'd never thought you'd see a grown woman squeal in excitement, especially in the Military. 

"Zoe," you interrupted her happiness, "please knock it off." 

She just sighed in response. Hange was probably your only superior you'd shout at and not feel bad about it, because in all honesty, she knew she overdid it. She probably did it on purpose. 

"(First Name)…" 

Hange was probably your only superior who'd know your first name. 

"Please don't call me that-" 

"Let me finish." she turned to you squarely and locked her glassed eyes with yours. Her face had serious written all over it. 

"Petra's memorial service will be held at her parents' house three days from now." she awaited your response. 

You swallowed the lump in your throat. "I'm not going to be here, anyway." 

"I know that..." she said softly, "I just wanted to know if you.. If you possibly..." 

"If I possibly what?" you accused. 

"I don't know, (First Name)! You've been beating the crap out of yourself ever since Petra died!" 

"What are you-" 

"Your arm." she pointed at your throbbing limb, "I don't know about it just because I witnessed you shirtless moments ago. (First Name), I can tell." 

Your shock was extremely evident on your face. 

"How-" you began, but was soon interrupted by Hange grabbing your shoulders and looking straight into your eyes. 

"Just like any other caring friend would, (First Name)." 

Your anger was very evident at this point. 

"Zoe.. please leave." 

"You constantly push me off, and you need to stop doing that to people. You know, people aren't that bad." 

But that wasn't true. To you, at least. 

Her eyes bored into yours. "...You're starting to sound like-" 

"Petra, right?" she asked, eyes still focused on yours. 

You shoved her off in frustration. "Stop interrupting me!" 

"You've noticed things by now, right?" she asked. 

"Noticed what?!" you shouted. 

"Hmm." she seemed to notice, too. 

"Never mind." she said, and began walking out. 

"W-What..." you were very, very confused and tired of hearing those words. You heard the click of the door shutting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here I am again!
> 
> and Ohhhhh things are heaTING UP IN THIS TALE OF AN ANGSTY YOUNG WOMAN WHICH IS YOUUU
> 
> hah, just kidding. It's going quite slow, BUT I assure you that I will make you squeal like a fangirl. (lol)
> 
> Attack on Titan, along with its characters, belong to Isayama Hajime. woop


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It had finally happened. You were standing still, eyes wide with horror. "Petra is.." You couldn't believe it... No. You wouldn't believe it.

Sigh. The Fore Party. 

You unbuckled the last straps around your legs and slid them off. By the command of Squad Leader Hange, you were to attend. You've never been to the Fore Party; you only saw it as a last-time-being-with-your-friends type of deal. Sad. The Scouts held a fore party before every mission outside the walls. Everybody was invited, even scouts that weren't scheduled for departure. In disguise, it was basically a farewell party for the leaving scouts. Forever. Nobody said it, but everyone knew it. High-quality alcohol and food was served for everyone to consume. The party was nearing closer and closer. Or maybe it started already. A clock wasn't available at the moment, and you made sure to take your time in getting ready. 

You sighed again. 

_There are gonna be so many drunks..._

"(LAST NAAAAME)!!!" 

You hung your head as you heard a familiar screech sound from down the hall. Hange came swinging in, thank God you were clothed. The halls, at the moment, were filled to the brim with busy bodied cadets, Squad Leaders, and Elites. 

"(Last Name), (Last name)!" she continued to yell. 

"Hange," you said, "you're gonna give me a headache." 

"Are you decent for the party yet?!" 

"Wish I wasn't." you said sardonically. 

She stayed silent as she grabbed your wrist and pulled you towards the door. 

"S-Squad Leader!" you yelled as she pulled you out the door and down the hall. You finally gave up and walked at her pace while she tightly held your wrist, making sure you couldn't get away. When you arrived at the mess hall, you were greeted with many familiar and unfamiliar faces. Everybody seemed like they were having a good time drinking, eating, and socializing. 

"(Last Name)!" a man came out of the crowd, "Congrats on being put in Levi's squad. I'm sorry about Petra." 

Your heart sank. "Thank you. It's fine." 

You turned away and headed towards an inhabited corner of the room. After a bit of people-watching, you noticed that your Captain was nowhere to be seen. 

_Where is he?_ You thought as you scanned the room. 

"Looking for Levi?" 

You jumped at the voice. Hange laughed at your reaction. 

"He doesn't come to these parties, he hates them." 

"Well at least I'm not alone..." you mumbled. 

"Eh?" 

"Nothing." 

The two of you sat there for quite some time talking about trivial things. It surprised you how easy it was to talk after a couple cups of wine. You were hesitant about having a couple sips, but I mean, the wine was so good. The best you'd ever had. 

You hiccupped before taking another sip. Words started to get jumbled up and the room started to spin a bit. You'd probably overdone it, though your good conscience telling you to stop did not intervene in your guzzling. Soon, sadness overtook you. Then anger. You stopped your conversation with Hange, shoving your cup into her. 

"(Last Name)..?" she asked. 

"D-Don't call me by my f-irst name you.. you.." you slurred as you tried to find an offensive name for the drunk lady. 

"(Last Name), I think you're wasted." 

"SHhHhHhhhhHHH" you sounded and placed your hand on her entire face before walking away, leaving a couple people a bit confused and giggly. 

The frigid air caught your skin under your clothes, you shivered. You'd never noticed how cold it got at night. You'd slipped away from the party and out the double doors without any warm clothing. 

"Daaaaamn" you breathed as you remembered taking off your jacket and laying it somewhere in the mounds of drunkards. 

_Well, no going back now._

The wind carried you away from the obnoxious noise and up, onto a hill. Quarters weren't very closed off by houses; there was a bit of clear land around the whole area, making it a great place to walk around. The hill's green grass did not suffice. You started walking again. 

You ended up at a large pond, hidden by a few trees. The body of water was completely still, without a ripple in sight. It was the calmest thing you'd seen in a long time. 

 

"DAMMIT!" you roared. Your emotion welling up inside you had jumped out of your throat, and you were at fault. You didn't want to hear yourself at the moment. 

"F-FUCKING.. Damn.. it.." you yelled, more at yourself than anything. No tears fell from your eyes. That, that one little detail, was what was enraging you. You wouldn't dare try and force yourself. 

"Petra I.. Petra.. I.." 

_Fuck._

Collapsed onto your knees, you tried to calm yourself, and to no avail. 

"Petra, I cared about you!" 

You felt your palms bleed from squeezing your fist. 

"Petra.. I'm-m.. A mess.." you hiccupped, "Because of you.." 

 

The air was quiet, as if listening intently on what the hell you were going on about. You felt your mind drift off to somewhere for a little while. 

It drifted off to distant places in the back of your mind, to places rarely explored. 

 

~~

 

"(First Name)!" you heard in the distance. 

"Yes mother?" you called back. 

"Dinner, time to come home!" she said in her usual stern tone. 

You looked over at Jacob, "I gotta go, sorry!" 

"Ugh," he complained, "you never get to do anything. We've only been out for a couple hours." 

"Sorry." you finally said sheepishly before giving him a quick hug and running off. 

"Yes! I finally did it!" you praised to yourself. You blushed and smiled down at your feet, wondering what his reaction was to your hug as you ruffled your long grey skirt. 

\-- 

"(First Name), hand me that dish." you heard your mother calling. You struggled to reach the porcelain piece of dining ware from the cupboard. 

"Sweet Maria, child. You need to grow a couple inches," she said as she took it down herself. 

"I'm only 8, though!" you informed, almost proudly. 

"I know that." 

Hearing the door open, you knew it was him. You quickly fixed yourself onto a chair. You stared down at your lap. 

You heard a sudden 'thud' noise and him yell afterwards, "Who the hell left this right in my Goddamn way?!" 

You swallowed the lump in your throat as you recognized the object to be your doll, which he'd just tripped over. 

"It was mine, father." you said truthfully. 

"You bitch," he swore, throwing the toy straight into your face with brute force, "I already had dinner, hon. I'm gonna hit the hay." 

"Yes, sweetie." she chimed. Your hands were shaking fervently and your eyes felt like a dam about to burst. You looked hopelessly to your mother, wishing for her comfort. She caught you in the corner of her eye and scoffed, returning to her duties. 

_Of course,_ you thought to yourself, _why would she even.._

\-- 

You'd lived inside of wall Sina for a whole 9 years, but you'd never seen something just as spectacular as this. 

Fire light bounced off the streets as the fire juggler stunted once again. 

"Wow.." you breathed. 

"Isn't it great??" you heard Jacob through the mass amounts of people. 

You'd snuck out at night to see the festival that Jacob, your best friend, had always talked to you about. 

"Let's go to the shops!" he exclaimed for the fifth time. 

"Why do you wanna go to the shops so much? I love it right here!" you said. 

"I just wanna go, c'mon!" 

"Fiiiine." you let him drag you out of the mob. The two of you weaved through mounds of people dressed in costume, animals, and merchants wanting to sell their latest trinkets. 

When the two of you finally got to a shop full of toys, Jacob turned to you. 

"Look at all this!" he exclaimed happily. 

"Hah, yeah," you said. Toys didn't really interest you as much as they did him. You were given tons of toys, all kind of toys. They left a bad taste in your mouth once you realized that your parents were just trying to distract you with something. You were given plenty of things, though they were only meant for temporary happiness. 

"Hey, give me some money!" Jacob exclaimed after searching around the store. 

"M-Money?" you questioned him. You've never had money. 

"C-mon, I know how rich your family is. Just gimme a little, please? Come on, I'm your best friend, right?" 

"Jake.." his words made you sad. Yes, your family was a pretty well-known and wealthy family, but not for good reasons. 

"Seriously?! You're that selfish?!" he was yelling at this point. Your eyes welled up with tears and began to stream down your face. 

"Why are you being like this?!" you said. Your heart felt heavy. Jacob had never made you felt like this. He was the person you came to when you needed to feel better. 

"Maybe I will take up that offer.." he mumbled. 

"W-What..?" you asked, confused and hurt. 

"I'll give you one more chance. Give me some money like a good friend would or I'm leaving." 

You looked around, wanting someone to step in, tell him to stop, something. Though from the outside, it probably looked like a little children's quarrel. 

"I don't have any money!" you finally said. 

"You don't have to lie to me, but fine." he said as he started out the shop. Panic washed over you. 

"Jacob, don't leave me! I don't know how to get back and.." you trailed off, trying to keep him in sight as you dodged towering men and women in the crowded  
street. You kept following as he walked into an alleyway. You didn't question it; you were too panicked to notice how shady the place was. 

You were suddenly grabbed by the arm. Jacob turned around as you cried out for his help. 

"How much..?" you heard him mumble to another large man. The man gave Jacob what seemed like a bag of coins. You felt the blood drain from your face, as you went numb in the stranger's arms. 

_No..._

The man talking with Jacob spoke, "What caused you to change your mind?" 

Jacob looked at you, avoiding eye contact, "Nothing special..." 

Your eyes were wide as you watched him stand there with his little bag of coins. You felt a sharp pain in your head before everything went black. 

\-- 

You woke up to a stench. 

Your head throbbed with pain, and your clothes were ripped in various places. 

You quickly leaned over to the side of yourself and threw up. It was a giant mess; you were left unconscious on a mere wood floor. You tried your best not to get the bile on you. You sniffled as hot tears left your cheeks. You were heartbroken, confused, and terrified. The room was empty except for a little tray consisting a role of bread and a cup of dirty water. 

You hurled again at the smell of your surroundings. Where were you? Why were you here? And why did it reek of sewage? 

"Tell him we'll torture the little bitch until he pays the ransom!" you heard from another room. 

Another man answered, "Yes sir." 

You tried to keep quiet. You had no problem since your voice felt like it had left your body. Your body felt cold, as if all your blood had been drained. The only warmth you could feel was in your eyes, where tears were falling down your bruised cheek. The door suddenly swung open, revealing a tall man. 

"Well, well," he said, looking straight into your wide eyes. 

You couldn't speak. You tried to find words, phrases, anything that would help your confusion, but nothing left your lips. You continued to stare as tears fell down your face. 

You were terrified. 

"The only thing to do now is wait," he finally said, "to see if your parents really want you." 

Silence. 

After looking at his surroundings, he finally spoke, "Until then..." 

You waited, frozen. 

"I think I'll have some fun." 

\-- 

Your eardrum-shattering screams could be heard outside the hideout. 

Though in the underground, no one questioned it. No one questioned the rape, no one questioned the screaming, no one questioned the torture. You were helpless against the men, all wanting a piece of you. 

You screamed again as you were thrown against the wall. 

"I'm done with you, you're too loud!" he ranted and slammed the door, leaving your damaged, naked body on the floor. 

It'd been a week. One week, and you wanted to die. Though, they wouldn't let you. 

You sniffled. 

"Where are my parents.." you sobbed, "W-whe re are-my... par-rents.." 

You never longed for their comfort so much. One small piece of you knew very well that they didn't want you. In spite of that, you held onto the thought of your father paying the ransom for who knows what and inviting you into his arms. However, as the days passed by, nothing of it ever came up. 

"W-where are my parents..?" you asked timidly one day, as a man came in with your roll and cup of water. 

He sighed. 

"You think you'd be here if your parents wanted anything to do with ya?" 

"But-" 

"You're stuck here, sugar. Forever until you die. Your daddy's 'no' made that very clear to us. Now you're just our toy for whenever we get bored." he snickered as he slammed the door shut. 

"No.." you breathed, shortly before sobbing into yourself. Making sure you weren't being too loud, you grieved. 

_This.. was unnecessary._

\-- 

The torturing became less frequent as the men became bored you, and you became prone to pregnancy. There was almost nothing to do in your little isolated room. Sometimes, after someone would leave after giving you open cuts, you'd draw with your blood. It sounds crazy, though you thought it was a better use for your blood then to let it trickled down everywhere. 

Sometimes, the main thug that'd been watching over you from the start would open the little window in the upper corner of the room to air the place out. 

You didn't make any attempt to call for help; nobody would answer. 

During the time that the window was open, you'd heard a song. It was sang over and over again. The man singing sounded old and raspy, though the song comforted you in your darkest days when the men gave you no mercy. You'd sing it to yourself after they'd leave, consoling yourself and telling yourself that you'd slaughter them someday. Your hatred grew as the months passed. Though, you were weak. 

You needed to get stronger. 

The thing was, there was no way to. 

You were hopeless. 

\-- 

You'd gotten used to the way they treated you. It didn't phase you anymore. You'd already had one abortion thanks to the men keeping you captive, and it didn't look like it was going to stop anytime soon. 

"Yeah! I...Big bro..." you barely heard some words coming from outside the window. The voice sounded a bit different this time. You focused all your hearing on the outside. 

"Really, now? Well, it seems you're in good hands," the man that always sang said. 

"Hah, hell yeah, I am!" a young girls' voice sounded from the outside. She must've been a teenager, from the sound of her. 

"Hey old man," she started again, "Why do you always sing out here?" 

He gave a chuckle and said, "Because sometimes people give me money so I can get some food. People like to hear people sing." 

"Ain't that the truth," you said to yourself. 

"Woah!" she glowered, "Will you teach me?" 

As the conversation went on, you couldn't help but feel sadness once again. You'd thought you'd gotten over your fate, but it was apparent that you hadn't. 

She sounded so... _lively._

\-- 

It had been 4 whole years since you were abducted. You laid still on the floor, looking up at the ceiling. You let your mind wander. You thought about every thing you could; every last bit of your memory of everything. Jacob, your mom, dad, the fire juggler, the way the bell sounded in Wall Sina, the look of disgust from your dad. You just thought. 

After about two days of no food or water, you began to get a little irritated. 

Why hadn't they come yet? 

_Are they just gonna leave me to die?_

You heard some shuffling around outside your door, then some muffled voices. 

"..alright.. Time to loot up!" 

_That voice!_

Confused as you were as to why she was in there and the men weren't, you spoke for the first time in a while, 

"He-Hello?" 

The shuffling stopped. After a few moments of silence, she finally spoke up, "Someone here? I got a knife, ya know!" 

"I'm in here!" you said, knowing she wasn't the type to hurt strangers. 

The door opened, and you were greeted with a pair of big green eyes. 

She gasped at the look of you, how you were curled up naked on the cold floor. 

"Y-You poor thing!" she said, coming forward and throwing her cloak around you. 

"What's going on..?" you asked, voice barely above a whisper. 

"We beat those bastards who've been keepin' ya. Glad we did, too! They were a bunch of nasties. Even chopped my hair!" she said, pointing to her short, red  
hair, which probably used to flow long. 

"Oh.." you said, slowly standing up. With her help, of course. 

"Now, where're you from?" 

"Sina." you said, flatly. 

"Oh, so you're a richie, eh?" she nudged you, "I'm sure you're nice, though. Here, I'll loot this place up later and since I'm not with my two friends, I'll show you to the Military Police and they can get you outta here. Bet you're itchin' to see your folks-" 

"No." 

She looked surprised at your blank face, now turned into an angry, hateful one. 

"Oh, well at least lemme show you to the MP so you can go back to Sina-" 

"I'm never going back there. Not ever." 

"Why you say that?" she asked, now looking intently at you. 

"Wall Sina has too many scum that I don't want to deal with." 

She laughed, "I see how your language has been altered being down here 'n all.." 

She led you to where the MP were surveying, making sure to tell you not to tell on her since she, too, wasn't very liked by the MP. Before you two could part ways, you made sure to tell her "Thank you." 

"No problem, little lady!" she had said back with that giant smile. 

You never did get to know what her name was. 

The day you came back was a startling one. 

For one, you hadn't seen the sun in 4 years. Secondly, you found out that your parents, along with a lot of other people had died because of a disease that was spreading. It, thankfully, was stopped in its tracks thanks to a doctor living out in Maria. 

What did you want to do with yourself now? You had no idea. You just wanted a distraction. 

That being said... 

You signed up for the Military. 

 

~~

 

When you finally came to your senses, it was dawn. The sun was just peaking out from behind the horizon. You slowly brought yourself upward. You felt a huge chill rush over your back as something fell off of it. 

_A.. Jacket?_

Not just any jacket, it was your jacket. Someone had taken it, looked for you, and put it on you without you even noticing. 

_Wow._

You slid it onto your arms and started walking back to quarters. 

Your memories of last night were vague, and you had a feeling that it wasn't a good idea to dwell on them. You knew you'd had a terribly vague dream, so thinking about it was not on your to-do list. Waking up in the mood you were in, you didn't want to dwell on anything. You didn't want to move or think or anything else. 

Nearing the quarters, you gulped back an unknown substance. You could practically see the sweat pouring off of Hange as she yelled your name over. And over. 

"Squad leader," you tried to shout but just spoke. Your stomach would not take your shit today. Hange, thankful for her good sense of sound, heard you and  
came running towards you. Not knowing what to do, not wanting her to glomp you amidst your utter confusion in hangover land, you saluted her. This did, indeed, stop her in her tracks. She looked utterly confused at your quiet salute. You, too, were kind of surprised at your action. 

"W-well, I'm glad I found you!" she exclaimed after a bit of awkward silence. Hange was not accustomed to your salutes whatsoever. It humored you. 

"(Last Name)," you heard a very familiar, mono tone voice coming from behind. 

"Sir." you said, saluting him as well. 

"Are you sick?" 

"Huh?" 

"Cold, do you have a cold?" he said, a hint of annoyance in his voice. 

"No sir." 

"Don't go out there again, it was a pain in the ass to find you." 

With that, he walked away. He was gone before you could say the words, "Yes, sir." 

_Wait,_ you thought. 

_Did he.. He must've.._

You felt the fabric of your Survey Corps jacket. 

"Anyway!" she exclaimed, "It's time for you to go-o-o!" 

"What..?" you mumbled to yourself. Then you realized. 

The mission departure. 

Was... 

Today. 

_Shit._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again :D I hope you enjoyed reading; this chapter took quite some time. It's my longest chapter yet, with like 3,800 or somethin words i mean like woah how did dat happen
> 
> Expect the next chapter to be late too, since school is starting Wednesday, so that'll be fun (no)
> 
> Attack on Titan, along with its characters, belong to Isayama Hajime. Comments and Kudos are appreciated :)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (there are random spaces in the mid of words; ignore them. idk what that's all about)

"Start downstairs and work your way upward.  Do it  right  or I'll make you do it again."

Among the chit chat of  newbies, you could always hear  the  Captain giving orders for cleaning duties.

"Yes, Captain  Levi! "  Eren answered  with his usual tone of... well.  Yelling .  For some reason,  Eren seemed awfully afraid of the Captain.  You  thought again about how intimidating Levi really was.   You were about an inch and a half taller than him -  y ou could only imagine how he got so damn strong as small as he was in the underground.

Nonetheless,  t he  horse ride  down to the  old quarters, a giant cast le-looking structure,  was a dreadful one.  You'd gotten yourself together in time, of course.  You'd thought that remaining at a gallop on a horse would keep you awake.  T o your surprise, you were way wrong.  Captain  actually  yelled at you a couple  of  times after you  nearly  ra mmed  into him and his steed.

You sighed in frustration  and  softly patt ed  your face awake.

Did I even sleep?  Did somebody drug the wine?

You continued sweeping, a heavy dreariness hanging o ff your ass.  Ever since last night, you' d been  fe eling  weird.   More  w eird  than  usual.

"Ah.." you whispered in pain.  Pulling the long splinter of wood from your finger, you looked around for a different , less splintery  broom.  All the brooms were very worn down from use.

"(Last Name)?" Armin asked, both your eyes meeting each other's. 

"Uh huh..." you said, still concentra ted  on your tiny wound

"C...." he seemed hesitant, "Can I ask you something?"

You stopped your mini operation to meet his eyes , "Yeah, sure.  What is it?"

"Are.. Are you okay?"

You starred a little bit at the worried  pair of blue eyes  before you.

"I'm fine.  Why do you ask?" you answer, surprisingly without wavering.  Have you always been this good at lying?

"It's just," he began, "You seem ...  off ..  today."

You tried to find the right words to say but your thoughts were cut short from Armin  suddenly blurting with a new realization,  "N-Never mind Miss (Last Name), I'm sorry I'm barging.. . " 

And like that, he was gone wiping more windows.

You sighed.  _So it is noticeable._ __

Again, you patted your face awake.

"(Last Name)." You heard from behind, causing you to jump in surprise.

"Woah there, you okay?" Ymir asked, a dubious look on her face.

"Do you need something?" you said, irritated that now  two  people are worrying about you.

"Ahh nothing, just wondering if I could go take a piss."

"I don't think I'm in charge of you guys.  As far as I'm concerned, I'm just a subordinate of Captain Levi's ,  just like you.  You'll need to ask him for such favors."

She sighed before walking away.

_ Something about  her _ ,  you  though,  _ is strange. _

\--

It wasn't long before night  surrounded  the atmosphere, swallowing up every bit of light in its path.

"Kind of depressing, really.. . " you said to no one in particular, thinking you were alone.  You weren't.

"And what would that be?" 

You jumped at  Captain's  voice so suddenly crowding your space.  You'd been feeling extremely crowded the whole day; even one other person in the room made you want  to strip from the exces sive  body heat.

"I was just talking to myself, sir."

He walked over to the windowsill you were leaning up against.  You thought he was going to do the usual swipe of the finger and  o h- look- at- this- speck- of- dust- you- piece- of- shit- now- clean - it- again like he always does.  But instead, he leaned on it like you were before he came in.  In all honesty, it surprised you.

"Is it the night?" he finally spoke.

"E-Excuse me?" you asked stupidly.

"The night, is it depressing?"

You thought about it for a second or two.

"I.." you sta r ted, "It's not the idea of night that's depressing I guess... it's just the dark ness  that makes me think that."  The dark ness  was always  down there.  You remembered clearly.

Your body was stiff as he sat still and surveyed the black blue night.  You couldn't stop thinking about what was on his mind.  You felt so distant  from him all of the time.

"(Last Name)." you heard him say.

"Yes, sir." you answered, gathering your attention.

"This windowsill is nasty as fuck, clean it again." he said before leaving you alone in the room.

_ Should've  s een  that one coming... _

\--

Everybody, despite  the  situation of  this mission , seemed as if they were having a good time.

After Levi had announced clean- up  time was  officially over, everybody  gathered in the dining area to release their stress.  Some ate, some wrestled, some took naps, and some just conversed.  You, on the other hand, had your own business to attend to.  Sneaking your sketchbook and pencil in your shirt, you snuck out of the giant building and into the wooded area.  Your strides felt like they got heavier and heavier as you lost interest in just what you wanted to do a moment ago.  Drawing seemed like a good stress relief.  You'd thought to yourself,  I'll just do what I did after Petra died.   After saying that sentence, everything went downhill.

In a very short time, almost  100 paces  out, y ou arrived at a small hill covered with grass .  Perfect for drawing  scenery.

That is, if I had any interest in drawing something,  you thought to yourself.  Instead of opening up the book, you  softly sat on the hill .  The grass was gentle -- almost graceful against your touch.  The mix of hot air with a  gentle  breeze was enough  to ease anyone into a good night's sleep.  

You looked to your right.  You saw the hill slope down into the thick wood.  The slope of the hill was smooth, without a bump in sight.

You looked to your left.  The hill continued a bit more to what seemed like a rock.  And the figure sitting on top of it.. . it was...

"...Pe.. Petra?" you felt your blood go cold.

She looked at you.  You were sure of it now.  Had she \-- or it--  been there this whole time?

"Wait..." you breathed, "Petra ..! "

Petra's figure started to become transparent as you tried to control your now shaking legs and panicked breathing.

"NO! PETRA!" you screamed and stumbled clumsily towards the fading figure . 

The last expression on Petra's face, before she fully dissolved into the air,  was one  of sadness and regret.  

That pained you.

After sitting completely still, you eyes not moving away from where she'd just disappeared,  y ou stood up .  You  couldn't  feel your heart in your chest.  After a moment of silence , you reached for your hair tie and hastily pulled it off of your hair, letting it cover most of your face.  You coul dn't  feel most of your body.

You kept your head down.

"(Last Name)..!" you heard Armin in the distance.

_ Perfect. _

"Ahh, (Last Name), I finally found... you..." he said in between breaths of exhaustion, "Captain said... lights out.." he regained his breath and straightened his posture.

"All the Cadets got a bit worried about you up and vanishing like that," he said, starting the walk towards quarters , "..and Captain ." Without another word, you began following him, leaving your sketchbook  and pencil .

Armin was a slow walker, which in turn led the walk on a little longer than you wanted.  Where you wanted to be right now... You couldn't say.  It wasn't in your regular dorm, nor the one you were staying at   the moment.   With that thought, you stopped in your tracks.  Armin noticed this after a couple paces without the sound of your feet .  

"(Last Name)..?" he turned, now noticing your shadowed features.

"Is... something wrong \-- " he asked before he noticed a tear stream down from your face.

Armin's reaction to you crying was simply one of confusion ,  yet unsurprised .  He'd heard the stories -- You never cried.   Nevertheless, even he could see through your mask and feel this relentless uneasiness around you.   He walked over to your slumped form in a cautious manner.

"(Last Name)..?"

Y ou  abruptly  turned away to face the opposite direction.  Tears were now at  a constant stream down your face.

"(Last Name), if you don't want to let it out there, I'm fine with that..." he said in his calm, quiet tone, "I can leave if you want  a moment alone.. . " 

Armin turned to look towards quarters, making  you th ink  he was about to leave.  Because of this feeling of panic, the fear of dealing with it alone, you grabbed onto  a sleeve  of his jacket, still covering your face with  shame.

"It's fine, I'm not going anywhere. . . "  he half whispered, patting your hand gripped tight on his jacket.

And with that, you let out your first sob.  You wept in that same position; you holding onto A rmin's jacket for dear life with your head facing down.   A moment  of this went by and you were soon enveloped in to  an embrace.

Your first hug since... A very long time. Y ou didn't care how this'd look to another person.  Your emotions were overtaken by sadness and regret.  

This was not closure -  this was torture.

A tiny part of your brain felt the embarrassment of relying on others; of calling out for attention.  You didn't care.  The only word that was on your mind was her name, over and over again.

You sobbed and whimpered like a little kid into Armin's embrace as he rubbed your back soothingly.  You could feel your tears  soaking into Armin's military jacket.   Y ou found yourself embracing him even tighter.  

The feeling of another body was... calming.

After a moment of just letting go, you realized how happy you were that Armin was your friend.  You wondered why a human being would be so nice and giving to another one.  The thought just made an image of Petra flash through your mind, an image of her big smile as she gave you your meal.

_ People are... _

No.  You needed to say this out loud.

"People are..." you tried saying but only achieved a tear-filled whisper,

"... People are good. "

This world is cruel, yet also very beautiful.  

It is your choice to see one or the other.  Or both.

"What was that?" you heard Armin say into your hair.

You sighed your last tear away and pulled away .

"Thank you."  Y ou said, looking straight into his blue eyes.  Even in the dark, they glowed with meaning and will.  You respected that.

"No problem. " he said, smiled  warmly, and saluted.  

"You know," you said,  almost  chuckling, "I'm not that old.  And I'm certainly no Squad Leader, so you have no need to do that." you said as y ou grabbed his wrist away from his chest and dropped it near his side .

"Time to get back, they're probably shitting bricks right now." you said, starting the walk back.

"Y-Yeah.." Armin said after you.

You looked back. "Hey,  Arlert ?"

"Yes?"

"Can you maybe keep quiet about what happened?  Maybe say that you got lost on your way here?"

He chuckled. "Yes ma'am.  I just want to know.."

"Know what?" you asked.

"Are you okay now?"

Sighing, you answered, "Kind of.  I'm half-way there, but at least I know what to do."

Armin was completely dumbfounded at what you had said, but decided not to d elve  deeper on your personal situ ation .  He'd gotten pretty personal tonight.  

The two of you continued walking.

Knowing of your puffy eyes, you went in through the back, where you could arrive in your room without having to walk through the dining area.  You made sure to have Armin tell them this.

Your skin felt the chilliness of the air as you undressed.  Straps first, shirt second, and lastly, pants  and bandages.

Exposed and cold, you crawled into your covers, snuggling into your pillow.

\--

"She what?"

"She went through the back." Armin said.

"Or she's making you say that," Jean began, "I always get  weird vibe s  around her."

Mikasa spoke up, "Armin, did she really go through the back?  Are you sure she's in the castle?"

"I'm sure.  I saw her go inside myself,  you guys don't need to worry so much."

Christa began,  "It's still kind of worrisome; that way takes longer than just coming through here.  I kind of get a strange vibe around her too... Maybe someone should go check--"

"Brats."

Everyone's voices came to a halt at the sound of Levi's.  He'd been leaning up against the wall the whole time.

"Get your asses to bed, or  you  redo the whole castle right now." he said before anyone could salute him.

With that, everyone, almost in a panic, ushered upstairs without a single word.

\--

He crept along the hallway, trying not to make a noise.  He hadn't done any creeping around in a while, considering the circumstances.  He  slowly  un rolled the sleeves of his white button up .

His raven hair fell delicately to the sides of his face.

Reaching your door, he hesitated.  He got over it quickly and cracked your door open.  From where he was, he couldn't see if you were on the bed or not, deeply troubling him.  He crept, as quietly as he could, into your room.  He didn't know exactly just what he'd do if the bed was empty.  Nevertheless, he continued around the big bedframe.  When you came into sight, he gave a little sigh.

You were covered completely in your sheets, cuddled up in the most obscure and awkward manner he's ever seen you in.  You shivered slightly.  With that, he left your room and came back with another blanket.

"Idiot.. . " he breathed, spreading the comforter on top of your unconscious figure.

Surveying the area of your room, he cringed at  the messiness of  your clothing laying around everywhere.  Your straps, your pants, your shirt..? Y our... Your bandages..?

Without a second look or thought, he left the room as quietly as he could manage.

\--

Waking up,  you felt  well rested, considering how cold it  was .

Wait.

You felt the thick ness  of not one, but two comforters. 

Two?  How do I have...

"Captain Levi!  Squad Leader  Hange  has arrived!" you heard someone sound down the hall.

"First experiment, huh..." you  said to yourself.

From there, you readied yourself .  The rest of the day went on as normally as ever, though there was one thing slightly different now.  You harbo red  a different feeling than before; one of determination... and slight impatience.

Sooner or later, after Eren had turned into a titan at least  six  times, written words in the ground, constructed a house frame, and finally, gone berserk and quit, the experiments for the day were over.  Night started pulling at the light, and eventually, it was dark, the sky h olding  hundreds of bright stars.

Everyone was in the dining area again, a different attitude than last nights hanging depressingly over every person's head.  Watching Eren turn into a titan isn't exactly an easy thing; especially seeing him go berserk the way he did.  Two people had to help get him out of the thing.  He need ed  major medical attention.

Aside from this, your personal mission became clear to you.  

Leaving the heavy atmosphere, you walked briskly into the thick.  

Petra,  you thought,  don't let me down.

Arriving in last night's spot, the very place you saw  Petra, you  found  her.

She was  there, waiting. Just like you knew she would.  Sh e wouldn't have vanished forever, seeing what her last expression was.

You walked hesitantly towards her almost transparent figure as  she starred  thoughtfully at your face.  You came closer and closer until you were standing right in front of her sitting body which was  atop the same rock as last night. 

Your gazed settled upon hers.

"Listen?" you asked.

She nodded one slow nod in response.

You sang.

E delweiss , E delweiss,

Every morning you greet me,

Soft and white,

Clean and bright,

You look happy to meet me.

Blossom of snow, may you bloom and grow,

Bloom and grow forever...

Edelweiss, Edelweiss,

Bless my homeland forever.

The words of the  song remained in your mind from your time in the underground.  The song of that helpless, nearly dying man that sang for spare change.  

You felt a tear escape your eye.  Your eyes met Petra's, as she did the one thing you missed most.

She smiled.

She smiled that big, welcoming, beautiful smile of hers.

This,  you thought,  this is Petra. 

You smiled weakly in response, overcome with happiness, yet filled with sadness.

She grabbed your hand in a comforting fashion, trying to speak with her actions.

"I'm fine.. . " you  said, wiping the tears from your face with your arm.  She started to disappear.  It started at her legs and made its way up.

You didn't start  panicking like last night.  

It's inevitable for her  not  to find peace,  you thought.

As her arms vanished, along with the eerily warm feeling of her ghostly touch, she looked you dead in the eyes.  She mouthed  one word, and one word only.  A word that has been used many times in your line of work.  Seeing her mouth say it so blatantly made you realize just why it was said so much.

"Fight..." you repeated her word as her neck was disappearing.

This time, her last expression, before completely disappearing into the air, was a warm smile.  She didn't look uneasy in any way; her expression was pure and ready.

. ..And just like that, she was gone.

"Fight.. . " you repeated, 

"...Fight."

You began your walk back to quarters with a feeling that could only be known as the one thing you'd been wishing for  the most.

Closure.


	7. Chapter 7

You  gave yourself the task of  caring for  the horses.  This job  included walking  and running them.   Afterwards, you  had to fe e d and water  them.  It was very important to make sure the horses were ready for  any  last-minute escape plans. You were, after all, in titan territory.

The last horse you went to work with was Corporal Levi's.  His horse stood tall and proud, yet  extremely intimidating .  Horses like his  were a rarity.  You  let her  sniff your hand for approval.   She,  instead, stepped back and swung  her  head away.

"Now, now," you said,  trying your hardest  to get her to obey .  You could never be too harsh with them, as you had a soft spot for the animals - e specially with Levi's horse.  Nobody really knew her name, but everyone recognized her.  She was the only horse of her kind  in the military  with her dark mane, tail, and silky black body.  You had always admired his horse for its trained, almost knowing movements that coincided with Captain's.  They worked together like a true team.   She was a fierce, obedient, and hard working animal .  Perfect for Captain.

The horse yanked its head away, shuffling its hooves in an obviously irritated manner.  

"Ugh.." you sighed, " Maybe  I  should  just ask Levi to work with his own  damn horse. .. " you said to yourself  in a frustrated manner .

Probably a bit too loud.

"Absolutely not."

You turned, your stomach churning a bit from either embarrassment or fear.  Or both.

"Sir , "  y ou saluted.  He walked over to the both of you, giving his horse a n  ( almost )  caring pat.

"You need to be able to handle horses, at least.  You're not a cadet anymore, (Last Name)."

His statement almost took you by surprise , but  you  nodded at your Captain respectfully.

He turned towards his horse, making obvious eye contact with it .  "I'm well aware that she's a bit more stubborn than the other ones, so you need to be  even more of an asshole back .  There's no sweet talking with this one , "  h e said as he picked up the lead rope and gave it to you.  He looked you in the eyes.

"Get on."

"S-Sir?"

Y our Captain was telling you, of all people, to  mount  his horse.  His horse, in particular, that no one else but Levi has  been seen riding .  You felt ... honored.  Extremely honored, and... sort of excited.

"Problem?" he said, his eyebrows furrowing even more, if that was possible.

_ I  feel like a squad leader _ ,  you thought  to yourself.

"It's nothing, sir , " you finally said, carefully choosing your words.  He gave you a slightly dubious look before  patting the back of his horse,  a  signa l  for you to get on.

 You raised a brow. 

"Bare back..?" you asked, doubting your abilities of riding  Levi's  horse, especially without a saddle.

"Yes .  N ow stop wasting my time and get on the damn horse , " he said.

"Yes sir!" you said, a bit scared at his  harsh  command.  You tried getting on by putting your leg up against it and jumping, but you  ended up looking like you were doing the splits up against  Levi's  horse .  F rankly, you looked extremely embarrassing and goofy.  You looked back at the Corporal,  horrifically embarrassed at your position.  He was same as he was :  arms crossed over his chest, his usual  stern expression with a hint of amusement ,  and  standing with \-- but without \--  posture.  You weren't sure how he did that, bu t he did.  It was weird.

"Ugh.." you slumped onto the ground  after your thir d attempt.   Y ou saw  Eren come up to Levi with his usual cup of tea. 

"Captain Levi!" Eren said  with his usua l  scared tone he always used when talking to Captain.   Eren saluted respectfully .

Levi was silent as he brought the cup to his lips, holding it the  strange way he usually d id .  Taking a sip,  he faced forward  towards the disgrace that was you .

"Dismissed."

"Yes, sir!" Eren said, and turned to walk away.   Though before  he could  escape , he made  quick  e ye contact with you, looked at Levi's horse (which was obviously agitated at what was taking place) and back at Levi, who was intently monitoring the situation  as he sipped his tea .   Eren  looked like  a tomato trying to hold in his laughter .  He scurried off though, not wanting to laugh at one of Levi's hand to hand training sessions , and have him ending up in one himself.

"You giving up?" He said loudly after a sip .  You brought yourself up from the dirt and dusted yourself off .   You felt a bit defeated, but you were intent on succeeding.

_ I'm not a cadet anymore. _

"No, S ir," you said, turning towards him, "but Sir, I don't usually ride bareback; not even with the calmer and smaller horses, so it's a bit difficult..."

"Stop using those damned filters in your speech and talk , " he said .  Y our eyes visibly widened.  What was he trying to say?  Was it what you thought he was saying?

Was it what you wanted him to say?

"Sir," you said, taking a breath of confidence, "I can't get her  without jumping on her.  I'm go ing to  look really stupid, but is that okay with you?"

He nodded slightly in approval.

I didn't use a filter,  you thought , surprised at your own dialogue .   It really wasn't a big deal; he probably only told you to because your  speech was slow with all the honorifics you used when around him. It  couldn't have been a filter, because  I t  was literally just you talking.  It was what was on your mind.  You did, indeed, talk to him like he was a drill sergeant. 

You made sure you said 'sir' in almost every sentence, saluted him whenever he was present, refrain ed  from saying personal feelings or opinions, etc.  Talking to him naturally was kind of ni ce. It  probably  wasn't a big deal; he probably only told you to because your  speech was slow with all the honorifics you used when around him.   But your mind couldn't help but think of the possibilities.

If he really meant what you thought he meant, then he knew.  He knew you were bullshitting when you said, "No, I'm fine, " o r, "It doesn't matter. "

He knew.

You backed up a bit to give you rself  a running stretch.  You  lunged into your sprint  and hopped onto the horse without a problem.  Well, everything went right, except for the fact that the horse was seriously pissed off at the amount of impact.  She probably  wasn't  even used to  rid ing  bare-back.   She jostled around a bit at the sudden discomfort , but quickly adjusted.  Just like Levi's horse would.

_ This is Levi's level... _

_I am on Levi's level_ ,  you thought to yourself. 

You realized you were kind of smiling a bit.  It was a goofy smile, too.  You looked towards your Captain in embarrassment, expecting, 'now wipe that goofy smile off your damn face', but in stead , you got something totally different.

Levi's eyebrows were raised , and was in mid sip of his tea.  He looked a bit surprised at your expression.  

You hadn't  casually smiled  from sincere joy  in such a long time, and the fact that you could at that moment was something of amazement.  

...and it was all because of that sweet, wonderful Petra.

"Are you just gonna  o gle at it or actually ride it?" Levi called sarcastically.

Instead of a 'yes, sir!', y ou chuckled a bit.  Levi's ways of speaking never failed surprise you, and you loved it.  You loved that about Corporal.  You chucked the thought out of your mind as you sped off on his  steed.

The horse was swift in its movements, but at the same time, it was extremely smooth.  Nonetheless, you were riding bare-back, so you were automatically clinging onto its mane for dear life and  hoping you wouldn't fall over.  The two of you ascended into the woods, deeper and deeper as the black horse went.  There were times when you were certain you would fall over, but the horse seem ed to  sense  it and slowed just enough for you to get a grip.

_ Yep, Levi's horse . D efinitely. _

You had no idea where exactly the horse was taking you  and frankly, it kind of frightened you.  Even though the whole squad down  t here ha d watchers  with signal flares, deviants were bound to appear.  Plus, you didn't even have your 3D maneuvering gear . S o either way, unless someone  magically  knew where you were  to save you, you were screwed.

Pushing the thought aside, you took a look at your surroundings.  What you saw  was a bit shocking.

You were standing in the same place as where you saw Petra for the very last time.   The Closure Area , you had liked to call it.  You hadn't gone back ever since, which was about two  or three  weeks .  Ever since, you'd been straightening up.  Doing most of the chores was your latest agenda, which  included  helping the cooks, standing guard for titans, and cleaning everything spotless to Levi's approval.  Your behavio r  didn't  seem to  concern many, except for Armin.  He always picked up when something was different.

H e'd ask you, "What's gotten into you? " which earned him a tiny ,  playful punch on the arm and a, "Get back to work," from you.   H onestly, you could probably call him your best friend.  Though you two didn't talk much, there was definitely  a viable connection .

You dismounted carefully  as she started pulling at the ripe grass with her teeth.  Slowly but surely, you approached the rock where Petra's soul had definitely touched.  

_ C _ _liché_ ,  you thought.  But you smiled, placing your hands on the cold granite.

You giggled.

A drip  appeared on the stone.

_ Fucking... _

You wiped your  face of the next tear coming down your face and sat down against the hard stone.

You missed Petra.  Although a lot  of things had gotten better since you finally got closure, you missed that smiling, friendly, and wonderful person.  She was the reason you were able to smile after getting on Levi's horse . S he was the reason why you could confidently talk to Levi without a filter.  Her whole existence basically saved yours.  You'd never felt so damned grateful  i n your entire life ;  not even when that red-headed girl saved you from  the sadistic thieves.

You let the tears run down your face as you reminisced  the times you had with her.   The time she got you dinner when you were too intimidated by the other cadets  and too stubborn to show it .  The time she tried over and over to make you smile or laugh by making goofy faces and cracking dirty jokes.  You remembered giggling about it later when Petra was asleep.  You remembered her talking about her family with such love ; how her father always tried to keep  her inside because all the boys wanted her hand in marriage.  Also, how it didn't work and how she'd sneak out late at night to visit her love.  She said she hadn't really liked talking about her past love, her one and only.   Talking  about how  they  had to part ways,  because of  her having her passion for the Scouts  was nothing less than a sensitive topic.

All her precious little facts.  You felt blessed to know them.

Captain's horse whinnied, rearing.

"What's your problem?"  you responded in a snarky manner.

But you were cut short by hooves  clopping furiously back to camp, a way from you.  J ust like that, you were alone.   You began feeling a bit nervous.  She wouldn't have ran away unless Captain whistled for her.

_ Must be because I'm taking so long... _

You rose to a standing position, dusting off your white pants.

_ Yeah.  Because I'm taking too long. _

He probably needs me to clean the stalls before the horses get put back in for the day.

But a part of your mind kept n udging  yourself that it was because of an emergency, that there was a titan in sight.  With no gear and no weapons, you were titan food.

You quickly pushed the thought out of your mind.  You didn't hear any sign of a titan anyway, and ushered yourself back towards the camp.  

But at one, ear-shattering noise, your blood disappeared from your face.

A very loud roar was heard.  Seen in the distance was a vertical  red stream of smoke coming from not too far away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ohhhhhh, what's gonna happen to you, (Last Name)? huhh?? u scared bruh??
> 
> So, it does this thing where it puts spaces in between things, ignore that. idk how to fix it.  
> Thanks for reading my story, you big group of weeaboo trash. I <3 u, see you soon
> 
> characters by isayamaaaa boiiiii


	8. Chapter 8

Your first thought was obviously to shoot  your hooks into the trees and pull yourself  back to camp.  

_ Well, I guess that's too fucking bad,  _ you automatically told yourself.

As you began running back towards the others , you felt the ground shake once again;  only this time, it felt like you would fall down.  The deviant was close, and it was getting closer.  It was coming in your direction, too.  

Knowing  you'd get spotted, you made a ninety degree turn towards a thicket of bushes and hid.  The titans relied mostly on sight, so as long as you weren't visible, you would be okay.  You were most certainly worried about your position, but you were mostly worried about the rest of the squad.

_ Does everyone have their gear on? _

_ Is Armin able to keep up with everyone?  _

_ Is anybody coming back here to look for me? _

That was possibly the most worrying thing to you.  The worst thing someone could do right now is come in your direction, because at that moment, you could've sworn the titan was standing right next to you.  You took a peek to see a whopping 15 meter  titan,  heavily breathing, and... scanning?

It was scanning the place, far and wide, in a very particular manner, which inevitably scared you.  You were dead if it saw you.  

The monster searched, and actually started to sniff violently.  This frightened you, some because it was frightening to look at, but  mostly because you'd never seen a titan rely on scent.  Though, after a long while of the titan investigating  the scene, it broke into a run towards camp.

_ At least my scent delayed the attack, I guess. _

Since you were in the clear, you had no idea what to do.  You had options, but they seemed hopeless.  You could  start back to camp, but by the time you'd get there, it'd be a massacre scene.  There was no way you could get gear and go with the rest.  So what other option did you have?

You heard an abrupt crash of stone.  The headquarters.

_ No, no... _

You began to feel panic.  This was real.  You'd gotten so used to titans and being in battle with them, but waiting out from afar whilst hearing it was by far the worst. 

_ Has anybody died? _

_ Is Eren taking care of Armin? _

_ Is Levi okay? _

_ Is Levi's horse okay? _

_ What's he doing right now? _

You couldn't stop worrying about everyone there.  Even the people you didn't talk to and looked at you differently; you worried about them.  You r  mind couldn't stop thinking about how Levi would be taking this situation:  if he's leading or just letting people do their thing...  I f he's wondering where you are.  If he  thinks your dead.

_ No.. _

You couldn’t sit still.  Your mind raced about anything and everything, which was making you panic and shake.  You voted to climb up a tree, knowing the titan would  doubtlessly come back if the others hadn't killed it.   You found a tall tree with lots of branches, making it easily climbable.  Branch after branch, you pulled yourself up.  You thought you were about 20 meters off the ground, which was easily tall enough f o r  you to see the action.  You were let down, however, because you still couldn't see the headquarters.  You were still shaking in fear, wondering what was going down and how people were coping.  You wished your were there --it was your job to direct the cadets.  You were skilled in this line of work and you felt like you had let everybody down by not being there for them.

Then you felt relief.   You had totally forgotten that Levi  was, well... Levi .  You slumped back on your branch  in relief as you saw the sun starting to set.

_ Yeah, it'll definitely be taken care of. _

You planned you would head back once you heard the titan fall down.  It was a very tall one, so you knew it would probably take a little bit.   Surprisingly, it took longer than you expected.

But you had no doubt in your mind that it was Levi who took it down.  You could imagine it-- Levi doing one of his weird tricks whilst holding one blade completely  backwards .  People said it was because he was so used to holding knives like that during his thug years; he just couldn't  not  hold them like that.

Something interrupted your quick thoughts.  Moments after  you felt  the ground shake from the fall , the titan let out an ear shattering screech.  You thought it was so loud, the pickers around wall Rose could  hear it.  Covering your ears tightly to seal in the quiet, you rose up from your position on your branch. 

You were confused --what was that for?  You had never heard it before.  You had never encountered a titan that did such a thing.  

Dumbstruck, you started climbing down each branch, making sure your footing was correct so that you wouldn't fall down.  

You were in mid step when you felt the ground shake on ce more.  But this time was different.  Instead if just a momentary shake, you felt the shake lasting for a very long time.  In fact, it just didn't stop.  

You stopped your climbing, curiosity and fear overwhelming your senses.  The shaking seemed to be getting heavier.  Or -- your heart dropped -- Closer. 

Looking back, you could see a cloud of smoke billowing out from the trees in the distance.

_ No... _

It got closer...

_ Please... _

** ...And closer. **

_ They're all... _

You could see clearly.

_ ...Titans.  _

Edelweiss, edelweiss,

every morning you  ** greet me. **

Soft and white,

clean and bright,

you look happy to  ** meet me. **

Blossom of snow, how you   **bloom and grow.** ****

Bloom and grow forever.

Edelweiss...

...edelweiss...

Bless  my homeland  ** forever. **

You felt it all.

E verything a human being could possibly feel, as the stampede of titans neared you, until you could taste the dust of their trampling.  

The dirt.

The plants.

** The trees. **

Organized thoughts did not run through your mind.  The only thing you could feel at that very moment was the momentum put into the  monster's  arm swing, in which detached your tree from  its roots .

You closed your eyes, shielding them from the thousands of  rotted  splinters floating through the air, seemingly in slow motion.

It is said that your  life flashes before your eyes before your death.

Well, the only thing you could see was that redhead's face, Petra's, and Levi's.  

Which, in turn, infuriated you.  

Those people had something to live for. You had barely found your grounding on what you had wanted to live for, and now you wouldn't get the chance to do it. You still weren't even sure what it was you wanted to do. You never got a chance to change someone's life for the better like Petra did, you never got to save someone's life like that one ginger, and you never got the chance to lead a movement and make a difference in others' lives like Captain did. These things, you knew, were completely unnecessary. But humans are like that. We want to be recognized. We want to have glory. We want to be legendary and leave a legacy behind. We're selfish and we need stupid things to feel good about ourselves. But just like all things, this want for unnecessary things has a reason for existing. At that moment, the only thing you could have possibly wanted was a second chance. A chance to do things. To make a difference. You wanted to defeat these titans. You wanted to stay by your Captain's side, along with your peers and Cadets. You wanted to form relationships and not be sad when they're cut off by the cruelty of humanity's situation. You wanted to make things better for other people, you wanted do a lot of things. But you couldn't do them. You were mad. Furious.

At that moment, the only thing you wanted was that, and that only.  It seemed like the only thing you would had ever wanted in your entire life.  You wanted it more than escaping the depths of that wretched city , more than Petra's life back, more than exterminating  the titans.

This want was probably what kept you alive on the ground, bleeding for some time .

You were lying on your back, breathing heavily.  You couldn't feel any pain.  All you could feel was temperature .  Your sight was nothing more than fuzzy.  All  along your abdomen was warm, and so was some spots along your limbs and extremities.  You remembered your hands being extremely warm, but you couldn't figure out why because of shear confusion from your fall.  Just like anything about to die, you had hope that something,  someone  might come back.  Your hopes were false, though you kept telling yourself,  " **stay awake, stay awake, stay awake, stay awake...** "  Like a lunatic, almost.

After a while, you went numb.  The warmth of your blood, which you'd found out was definitely blood  after the  adrenalin ceased, was now cold.  You breathing was slow and struggling.  Your hands were unfortunately still warm, and you still didn't know why.  Your sense of smell had come back, and you realized, from the god-awful smell, that you'd vomit ed  all over yourself.  You were covered in sweat that sent shivers down your body.

At this point, you were trying very hard to feel pain.  Pain meant feeling.  Feeling meant life.  You still had stupid hope, but if that's all you had, you might as well suck it up and use It, you thought to yourself.  The pain refused  to be felt.  

You felt detached.  Not like you had ever felt attached, but at this moment, you felt completely gone.  At one point you told yourself that you were definitely dead; you just couldn't move.  It felt like it had been days since you were first slammed to the ground.  

You opened your eyes to the falling sun, and soon, the sun was asleep.

_ Hi God,  Gods, or  Goddesses , wherever you are. I don't know if you exist but if you do, could you please help me out of this shit? And if that's too much to ask, just keep the others safe.  Please and thanks. _

Out in the distance, you heard the familiar sound of wires clashing.  

People.

You tried to make a noise, but nothing more than a whisper came out.  Yo u hadn't realized it before, but you were crying.  Maybe because you were about to die, maybe because you were happy, but it was probably because of the pain now coming afloat in your mind.  The pain was indescribable, but became very, very apparent when you saw Hange's face looming over yours, also in tears. 

All your senses came rushing back.  Your hearing, you sense of smell completely back, your eyesight, your taste(which was swimming in the taste of blood), your sense of pain.

The pain.

You screamed out, like a child getting a shot.  Only that the shot was thick gashes everywhere on your body.  Your sudden movement made your head shoot up in pain and dizziness, and at that point,  Hange  was carrying you bridal style while putting you in a wagon.  She'd come to your rescue with backup soldiers to protect any surprises , like the dumbass she was.

You remembered crying a lot, rambling on about life and pointless things, and being the most thankful being on the face of the "Earth", which you'd heard Armin call it.  

"(First Name), STAY WITH ME!"  Hange  called over the hooves and wheels speeding through the quiet forest.  

"FUCK, HANGE," you called out in pain, wrapping your fingers around  Hange's wrist.

Hange  screamed at you to stay awake, but you couldn't help but satisfy your urge to close your eyes. 

You tried to look up, but your eyes were caught on the smoke billowing from the headquarters.

You couldn't remember passing out but you couldn't remember hearing anything like an explosion, and you thought about this for some time until you couldn't feel your hand, squeezed tightly around Hange's wrist.  You heard fuzzy yelling and a ping sound in your ear; the kind of ping you get when you fire off  canons .  

You hated that job.

The pain tired you, it was so bad.  There was no special position in this situation, no way of movement that could help.  You were cornered by it; cornered by the pain.

With chaos all around along with the undying pain rumbling from inside of you , you closed your eyes, tired from feeling so much in so little time.

You felt like a baby in its crib.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter update number two in tHE SAME DAY ??/!??!?!!!!
> 
> I love you guys. thanks for the kudos and the comments; they really make my day a whole lot more fun and happier and all that good stuff. c:
> 
> characters by isayama except for u bc u is u and no one else bb


	9. Chapter 9

Armin sat up in his bed;  shirt sticking to his soaked shirt back .

Nightmares.

They were the usual : blood-splattered, giant-filled horror that would make any normal civilian soil their sheets .   It was a pretty popular theme amongst his new life.

He wiped his forehead of the  wetness  and steadied his breathing, holding his  fringe from his  pale  face .   He took a moment to take in his surroundings.  He wanted to feel calm.  He didn't like this feeling ; the feeling of being trapped.

He stood up from  his bottom bunk  and slowly  l ed  himself down onto the cold ,  wood en  floor.

'I am here.  I am safe.'   he thought to himself, replaying the words of his mother,  'They're just walls.  They keep me in from the bad things outside.'

He closed his eyes.

He refreshed the image of his mother.  His father.  His grandfather.  He breathed in.

He felt the wood from beneath him.  The ridges in the material.  He breathed out.

There was no denying it.

Everything had  been insane since the trip to  Trost .   Nobody could get a hold of themselves.  Nothing was going right.  Nothing was  in their favor .  Eren was gone,  Mikasa a mess, and Erwin...  He was facing a lot of judgment, not only from the MP, but from the people of this whole civilization.  Not a good place to be in.  Nevertheless, Erwin pushed on with even more drive than before .  His words brought out many angry reactions in the whole Corps, but Armin never lost faith in him.  There was something about Erwin that Armin inexplicably understood.

Lastly, another thing that was always on the minds of squad members was  (Last Name) .  They had basically left  her  for dead after the attack.  There was no use, they thought.  Some still thought of it that way.  

...n ot a lot of people wake up from comas.

\--- -Flashback  (a fter the titan herd attack) - \---

Surprisingly, the squad came back a few days early.  Bells started to ring like they usually d id  when they arrive d , and  Hange  broke into a full-out sprint towards the gates. She sensed something was wrong.

After shoving her way through the crowd, she was met by  panting  soldiers, wounds, but none seemed to be killed.

A rarity, really.

Levi was leading the pack of exhausted  soldiers in  his usual  tireless manner .

"What happened?" She asked him , her voice in a frenzy of anger and confusion.

He stopped walking with his horse, motioning for another cadet to take the reigns  for him.

"We were  attack ed ." Levi simply replied.

"A-Attacked?!" She was exasperated.  This mission was extremely important, and it was cut short by a freaking  titan attack?  

"Not like usual.  It was like last time, when we had to fallback." He looked at her with intensity, letting her know that this wasn't just a coincidental thing that was happening.  There was something about the titans that they didn't know about.

"W—Well, gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," her head was jumbled with so many things, like how she was going to explain the to Erwin, how the MP would feel, the fact that they had to leave early for the trial to  Trost .

"(Last Name)!!" She called out to squad Levi, " You need to fill me in! !   Those reports are gonna be a pain! "

She started her search around the group, looking for her distant friend, when Levi grabbed her arm tightly.

"Stop."  was  all he said.  She looked at him in bewilderment.  Then she looked at his squad.

They looked horrible.  Just like any failed trip did.  

Sadness overwhelmed the area.  Among the squad, there was one person that did not remain.

"(Last Name) is..." She breathed.

She turned to Armin in confusion, panic rising in her stomach.  Armin looked her in the eyes before averting his gaze, tears pricking the corners of his sky blue eyes.

"No..." She breathed.  Her panic turned into sadness.  Her sadness grew into anger.

"Tell me!" She shouted ,  causing everyone to stop in their tracks , "What happened to (Last Name)?!"

When nobody answered, she grabbed Levi's shoulders in an attempt to get an answer, but to no avail.  He shoved her to the ground .

"She was out in the woods, defenseless,  when the attack happened.  They got to her first, then us.  She's dead." He said in a more stern than usual voice.

She looked up at him, tears gathering behind her glasses.  She balled her fists into the dirt.

"N—No.. You can't expect me to believe that..  that  (Last Name) ..."

Levi felt pained by the situation.   Hange  was his partner in a lot of things.  Even he felt pained to see her in such a way, since she was so usually calm and collected.  And happy.

He reached out to her arm to pull her back up off the ground, when his hand was slapped away.

"Stop!!" She growled, "You didn't even TRY!"

Levi's shock was apparent.  He'd never been struck like that since he joined the corps as a full-length member; a s a Captain.

"You didn't even try to go back!  You could've and you know it!" She continued, tears now streaming down her face.

That's also something that didn 't usually happen— Hange  crying.

"'Humanity's Strongest'?" She mocked, "more like Humanity's most cowardly!"

To put it plainly, he was speechless.

Hange  got herself off, leaving the dirt on her white military pants.  She looked down upon Levi, the anger remaining in her deep brown eyes.  With that, she walked away.

Levi knew she was overreacting; that she'd apologi z e  for it later.  Even thought that was true, he couldn't help but regret his decision, just the tiniest bit.

The cadets starred in awe—and fear.  No one has blamed such a thing as death on  anyone ; not in the corps, anyway.  It was from  Hange , too.

"Cadets." Levi finally spoke.

"Yes, sir . " The  tired  cadets responded, fists over their hearts.

Levi returned to his usual stone face as if nothing had happened, and ordered.

"Return everything back to the warehoused and stables.  I want you all to get some rest.  That is all.   Eren,"  He looked at the scared brunette,  " Come to the discussion office when you're finished."  

The cadets did what they were told, a bit mopy at their lost comrade /acquaintance .

Armin  took  it  quite  personal , almost like he, too, held a slight grudge against his Captain.

As everyone settled back into their dorms, they went straight to  sleep .  The only ones that remained  awake  were Eren, Armin, and Mikasa.  Mikasa didn't feel stressed or tired, ;  she trained quietly in her dorm she shared with Sasha. 

Armin was tired as ever, but  all the more restless .  

He reminisced about the last time he'd seen you, talked to you,  wondering how and when you died.  It's not like the two of you had really talked about anything  or had connections on similar things like he did with Eren , but he felt like the two of your were very close ... in a way.  He felt as if you trusted him, which was a rare thing for you to do , it seemed .  He felt protected and enjoyed your quiet, yet fulfilling company.   Being your friend was something that he genuinely enjoyed .

He let a few tears roll down his face as he stifled a couple cries, trying his best not to wake Jean up.  His moment was stopped in its tracks by a quiet knock at his door.  He wiped his face and strode to the door, opening it to see his best friend, Eren.

"Eren..!" He quietly exclaimed, stepping outside his dorm to talk to him.

"Armin, you've been crying?" Eren asked, worry for his friend apparent.

"Eren,  aren't you supposed to be talking with Commander ?" Armin ignored  half scolded in a whisper .

Eren looked behind him, then turned back to face Armin, "Armin,  I wanted to tell you something since we don't get to see each other when I'm heavily guarded like this."

Armin's heart raced.  That phrase always made the situation stressful.

"Armin, I might not be able to see you after the plan for Trost.  You know the plan, right?"

Armin nodded.  They were going to disguise Jean as Eren, ride into Trost, and capture the female titan.

"The plan is pretty faulty, and a lot of things could happen..." Armin trailed.

Eren continued, "Even if something like that happens, I want to let you know that it's okay, Armin.  I don't..." This was hard for Eren to say.

"..I don't want you to be so caught up on  my death .  I want you to still have hope for humanity.  I want you to keep fighting and learn  about what's out there ,  I..."

Armin's eyes started to fill up again, "Eren, s— s top..."

"I want you to see the ocean." Eren's voice shook a bit, "I want you and Mikasa to see the ocean.  And everything else out there has to offer.  I want you to see it.  So please move on if something like that does happen."

Armin looked down at his and Eren's feet.

Eren was always courage ous .  How could he say such things, Armin thought.  How can he say this without wavering?

Armin's tears started to fall onto the wood.

"Too many things are happening..." Armin choked, bringing his hand to his eyes, trying his best to wipe the tears away, not wanting to embarrass himself.  Eren brought him into  a comforting  hug, which wasn't something that happened very often.  He said nothing, and neither did Armin.

After a while of Eren patting A rmin's back reassuringly,  Armin returned the favor, and squeezed Eren, as if saying his last goodbye.

This is embarrassing,  they both thought.  But it was right.  And it was good.

No one should have to say goodbye to their best friend.

The sound of heavy footsteps broke the silence, and left Eren and Armin breaking the moment .

"COMMANDER ERWIN!" The soldier called, running straight past the two of them, as if they were invisible.  His calls continued, "COMMANDER ERWIN, HANGE HAS LEFT WITH  FOUR  OTHER SOLDIERS!  SHE JUST PASSED THE WALLS..." His voice trailed off down the hall.

"W—What.." Eren's eyebrows furrowed.

Armin's heart beat  began racing,  not a doubt in his mind that this was happening.

"She's going back for (Last Name). "

—

It was  that same  night, and nobody would—could sleep.

Hange had left with four other soldiers  from her previous squads .  They stole a carriage.

"What the hell is she thinking?!"

"Going after a dead person... logical."

"She doesn't even have Captain with her.  She's basically dead."

The rumo r  got out pretty quickly and soon became the talk of the corps.  Many were angry, many were sad, but more of them were angry.  It had been about five  hours  since she left, and people were beginning to lose hope.

Armin snuck out and sat up on the wall, waiting for Hange's squad to return.  He hoped with all he had that she'd just give up and return safely.  You can't find a body if it's in a titan.  

Though ,  he  somewhat  marveled at Hange for her courage.  It seemed as though the two of them, both, had a good friendship-type complex with (Last Name).

"Armin." He heard a voice from behind him .   It was  Mikasa.

"Mikasa..." He turned, a worried expression taking form on his features.

"Armin, you know  i t's no good."

Armin sighed lightly.  Mikasa  was too honest.

"It's  fine .  I'm already okay with it.  I just...  wanted to sit up here."  Armin said quietly.

Mikasa took a seat next to Armin and gazed upon the night sky.  

Silence took hold of the moment.  But it wasn't an awkward silence; it was sadly peaceful .  Almost like when you hold a moment of silence for someone who  has  die d .

"(Last Name)," Armin  broke the silence, "was a good friend."

"I wouldn't know."   Mikasa responded .

Armin's eyes were glued to a certain star.  It seemed to  attract  his attention, almost like it was begging, 'L ook at me! Look at me!'

He sighed.

"Yeah.."

—

Armin was awoken abruptly in his dorm by the sound of running.  Not just one person, but a  group  of people.  

"Armin!" Jean popped out of nowhere, struggling to get his boots on over his sleep clothes, "Get up, now!"

Armin was shocked, but did as he was told.  Out of nowhere, Mikasa opened the door loudly,  ordering him , "Armin, come on!"

Armin was now racing to get his boots now, asking, "Mikasa, why are you in the boys' dorms?!" 

Mikasa grabbed Armin before he could even  find his boots,  and just like that, they were on their way to the wall gates.

"Is Hange back?!" Armin shouted through the noise, hope now arising in his voice.

Mikasa didn't speak, but kept her speed towards the entrance of their home.  The crowd was crazy, but throughout the frenzied, excited voices, they, both could hear Hange's loud one over everybody else's.

"GET OUT OF THE WAY!" She shouted continuously.

She was still out of sight, and she seemed to be  insanely panicked .

"I said, get out of my  fucking  way!" Her scary  voice was coming closer.  The crowd began to disperse.   S ome were running away, shouting  in a panicky frenzy , "We need assistance!" And "Get a doctor, now!"

Her  noise sounded  closer and closer to  wher e they  were waiting, whe n  she finally  emerged from the crowd in front of the two, limping heavily on her left.

In her arms, she carried  a very dead-looking (Last Name) .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm giggling with excitement.
> 
> So many ideas, but i don't wanna drag the story on.
> 
> What do you guys think?
> 
> What's your thoughts on (Last Name)'s future? What's gonna happen??
> 
> hmm? hmM???? !!??  
> idk either, it's ok.
> 
>  
> 
> characters belong to isayamaaa boiiiii


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please don't mind those weird random spaces. I don't know how to fix it v.v

"Coma."

The  word  hung in the air.

" Squad Leader  Hange, how long do you think thi s coma will last ?"  Erwin asked, his eyebrows furrowed.

She avoided eye contact, looking  for something to train her eyes to ra ther than her Commander 's .

"We.. Don't exactly know..."

" I've never recalled a time when somebody woke up from a coma."  Erwin added, face unchanging.

"She, well.." Hange stuttered, "(Last Name)'s body is  very strong  compared to regular coma patients .  I have hope .   She' s one of my trusted friends. "

Erwin lowered his chin to his intertwined fingers.

" This sounds more like blind hope ,  Hange .  How do you plan on supporting  her  body while she's uncon s cious ?"

"The doctors and I have been working on new methods of keeping the human body alive without the need of them eating or drinking," she said, triumphantly, "You see, food has different types of energy that our body needs, and we figured out how to put these energies into inject a ble  liquids !   All we have to do i s  give her a prick every now and then." 

Her big  smile faded , before saying, "But it is  limited .  The body can't go on the liquid forever.   Her system  will  eventually  shut down.  Completely."

Erwin raised his eyebrows.

"You've tested it?"

Hange nodded , taking a seat at their table .

"It has been an ongoing research, Commander.  We  like to call it 'liquid life support.' "  Hange smiled weakly.

There was a moment of silence, as  the  Commander thought.

"Levi."   He  suddenly said.

"What? " Levi replied.

"What do you think?"

Levi blinked at his Commander, wondering what exactly he meant.

"Think about what?" Levi asked, a bit annoyed at Erwin's notion.

"Is it worth it?  To use all these funds for the sake of one soldier?"

Levi fu rrowed his eyebrows.   Erwin was acting a bi t unusual.  Not that he acted normal whatsoever, but Levi couldn't help but think that Erwin was testing him in some way.

It pissed him off.

"That's an aw fully  shitty thing for you to say, Erwin. "

Erwin looked at his shorter friend, eyes widening a bit.  He chuckled.

"That's what I thought."  Erwin said, turning back to  Hange , "Good luck with her recovery.  We will all keep her in our thoughts."

Hange's eyes lit up, and she stood to salute her Commander.

"Yes, sir!!"

—

"Well, (Last Name)..."  Hange  walked at a steady pace towards your  bed, "We'll be off.  That means this is your injection for the week.." 

She flicked the syringe lightly, giving the pump a slight push before leading it towards your vein.

"Please, don't hate me for  this..."  she applied pressure to the pump, and the 'liquid life' was doing its job  in a matter of seconds.

She cleaned the needle and tossed it in the bin.  Looking towards you, she sighed.

Your face was as serene as someone in a peaceful death.   She took note of your light breathing , the way you'd twitch once in a while  as  you laid.  It was a bit cliche - looking; the room filled with natural light, beaming in on your unconscious body.  It was like the room was filtered with a warm brightness that stood out from the gloomy surroundings of the corps.  Comfortableness .  That what the scene had sh own.

Hange  supplied the most relaxing and comforting vegetable experience:  Clean sheets, clean gown, combed hair, washed face.  In all reality, the only person who took care of your still self was  Hange .  She wasn't even a doctor.  She injected you with your supplements, bathed you, talked to you, napped with you.  All of it, mostly out of guilt... for many various reasons.

"Glad to be out of that pain that much, eh?" She nudged your limp body and chuckled to herself.  She took a seat in the chair next to your bed, admiring the luxury of it.  

Real leather, she thought.

"So," she continued her one-sided conversation, "we're all leaving tomorrow.  For the capture of the female titan in  Trost . "

She paused, as if lis tening  to your response.  She took a moment to check your bandages and casts.  

You had taken quite a beating.

Two broken ribs, a broken arm, and a major open-wound on your stomach area that allowed you to lose almost two and a half quarts of blood.   Hange  was still in awe as to how you survived that long.  

During that mindless trip into titan territory, she had  accepted the likel i hood  of  your death, and set out to find at least something as proof that you lived;  that you fought.  But, much to her surprise, the thing  she found was you.  You, w allowing in fear of death, crying out  about the pain and what you wanted to do with your life.  You rambled.   It was torture to see you like that.  The pain, the sadness, the fear you must've felt...   She could've sworn you could've watered a whole garden with the amount of blood you lost.  A lost, sad, and determined (Last Name) was found, broken and bleeding, but it was you.

"I know you're probably raging inside that beat-up  body of yours, wanting to get your revenge.  I know.  It sucks.  But I promise you," she grabbed your cold hand, "once we get her, I'll let you mouth her off all you want.  Haha!"

She humored herself in a triumphant guffaw, which had to make you smile on the inside, she thought.

"I know it's not as good as beating the shit out of her yourself, but I mean, mouthing her off in her cage is pretty risky in itself.  You know how the MP are."

She sighed, dizzy.  She hadn't eaten in days due to stress.  Not like it was anything new.

"Well, (Last Name)…" she looked at your calm  face once more , "I'll get going.  We've got a big day tomorrow."

Grabbing her journal, she got up from her sit and walked to the exit.  She was hesitant, opening the door, when she said, "Again, (Last Name)… I'm sorry." And closed the door behind her.

—

\-- Aftermath in  Trost \--

"She..?!" Many stood in confusion, many in anger, but one thing was for sure:  they had never seen anything like this before.

"A crystal?" Jean asked, watching as the scene fell out before him.

Eren was unconscious, being pulled out  of his  titan form  by Armin and Mikasa.  Annie was unconscious too, it seemed.  It would stay that way for a while  with the look of it.

Up above on the  s ky view ,  Commander Erwin and Nile  could be seen, almost to the point of a fist fight.

"You..!" Nile  threatened, "You killed so many  people  today..."

He had a firm grasp on Erwin's overcoat, shaking in anger.

"..and for this?!" He motioned to the destruction that had just taken place before his eyes.  

Eren at his limit, Annie in some structure, and millions of dead bodies and crushed buildings.

"You... you think this is bettering humankind?!"

Erwin kept his eyes locked on Nile's  with a blank expression .  Erwin was, in all honesty, tired of explaining this to Nile.  He was tired of people looking at him as if he were a monster.  Tired of ignorance in what needed to be done.  He stayed silent.

"Disgusting!" Nile thr ew  Erwin back, although still unable to knock him to the ground.

"You'll be hearing from every commander of this  military , Erwin.  Your actions have provoked our trust in you."

Erwin's expression  changed to a slightly guilty one.  He pitied him.

Sighing, he smoothed out the wrinkles the conflict had caused on his jacket.

A few days passed, with meeting after meeting with all commanders.  Each and  every one , Erwin stood with the same facts and the same  answers .  They knew Erwin was different from the other commanders.  He stood tall no matter what, and seemed to have a twisted sense of justice, in their eyes.  After countless tries  with no new efforts, they officially suspended Commander Erwin Smith, head of the Survey Corps, to no funding until further notice.  They deemed Eren no longer his, and gave a one week notice before they took Eren into custody.

Mikasa was probably the most devastated at this fact.  

It was two days before Eren were to be taken.

His room was quiet; almost peaceful.

She looked down at Eren's hand as he slept in his cot, bandages covering him seemingly from head to toe.

"Mmm..." Eren mumbled, his slight movements causing worry from  Mikasa.

They stayed quiet like that for some time.  The small  sounds of Eren's breathing filled the room.

Calming.

Mikasa's breath hitched at the sudden thought of the future.  The image used to be something to look forward to.  Something she could control.  

The vision she once had was now blurring.  Like the disturbance of a rock hitting the surface of the water.  

She looked up at Eren's sleeping face; it was calm.  

Tears.

Just this once, she allowed herself a few tears.  Just a couple here and there.  Then it would be done, and she'd think through the situation.  She relieved her hunched shoulders and she let the second tear escape.

"Mmm.." Eren stirred yet again, except this time, his eyes opened.

Mikasa wiped the moisture from her face and grabbed Eren's arm, preventing him from making any big movements.

"Mikasa?" He squinted, adjusting his eyes to the light, "Ahh.." He rubbed them with his free arm.

"Don't move too much," Mikasa warned, "or you'll make it worse. "

"Gah--" Eren tensed up.

His burns were quite serious, this time—he'd never stayed in his titan form for so long, especially fighting.

Mikasa helped Eren lay  down again, and she took the once-cold washcloth from his forehead.

"Mikasa..." Eren complai ned , watching as she drew the cloth from the bucket again and wringed  it out.

"You need your rest..." She continued, letting the ends of her hair get wet from the water.

"Mikasa." Eren looked right at Mikasa.  Her hair was shielding her face.

"Eren, please stop." She looked upright.

Eren's temper rose  then .

It might be because of his failure, maybe it was because of the pain, but it was probably because Mikasa was there.

"Always taking care of me, always telling me what to do...  What am I, your son?!" Eren burst .  Mikasa just  sta red , almost dropping the washcloth.

"I hate your pity.  You realize how pitiful you make me feel?" Eren's voice rose as he spoke.

 Mikasa couldn't find any words.  She'd never meant to make him feel this way.  She never pitied him.  Never anything like that.

Silence filled the once-calm air.  Eren started to worry he had made her angry .

She wasn’t mad .  She just felt helpless.  Causeless.  Defenseless.  Lifeless.

His words were her weakness.

She slowly stood, hands trembling the tiniest bit.  Eren looked up at her, then at the tears in her  eyes .

Crying..?

By the time he registered what he'd just caused,  she was closing the door behind her.

—

The carriage ride back was pretty quiet, considering  Hange  came along for the ride.

Erwin looked out the carriage windows, watching the scenery roll out like a scroll.

Hange  had never seen him look so  tranquil .  It was like he had nothing particular on his mind, which was weird, since he was usually running his thoughts a mile a minute.

"Commander?"  Hange  spoke.

The air was crisp and clean, yet sadness  and defeat hung like fog.   Hange  looked out the window also, getting tired of her Commander's ignorance.

She watched the trees appear and leave; it almost seemed to her that they were the ones moving.  

At this point, they were traveling through the inner part of wall Sina.  The calamity of destruction had struck even this far, and people stared as the carriage rode past, along with dozens of horse-back riders.

Hange  closed her window, tired of being glared at.

"Blocking it out?" Commander spoke.

Hange  blinked.  She couldn't think of an answer that would satisfy him.

What kind of question is that anyway?

"I said," he started again, "Are you blocking it out, Squad Leader Hange?"

"What do you need to say?" She  asked , "Nothing I say is gonna satisfy you, Erwin.  Unless it's the exact thought you're thinking."

"Ha," he chuckled, "you're up to something, I think."

Hange's distr a ught face only made him chuckle more.

"You knew this was gonna happen.  We all did." He added.

Hange  thought about what to say next.  She  said, "Well, what, you think I have some plan-of-action or something?"

"Yes, I do," Erwin said, finally turning to face his inferior.

Hange  raised an eyebrow.

"So are you saying you're putting me in charge of moving the next chess piece on  this board?"

Erwin's eyes traveled  over the crest on her jacket, then her hands, but with no effect.  Erwin didn't really make  Hange  nervous at all.

"No," he finally stated, "because I already have the next move planned out."

She glared intensely through the glare of her glasses.

"You know, Commander, you're a really weird guy.  You could've just said, 'don't worry, I have a plan' instead of being all abstract." Hange giggled, relaxing her muscles.

Erwin's shock was apparent, as he shot her a small, playful glare.

"I'm a great leader ." Erwin said, sarcasm in his voice.

The  both of them shared a moment of inappropriate laughter.

Erwin regathered himself, "Hange, don't block them out.  The thing we're lacking right now is trust.  We need to regain that."

"Is that what your plan beholds?  Regaining the trust of the locals?"

"Yes.  A peaceful protest ."

"Since when are those peaceful?"  Hange  asked with satire.

"I'm still collecting ideas.  We'll hold a conference."

Hange  was silent for a moment.

"You know," she started, "I honestly think that's what we need right now.  A few days, maybe eve n  weeks, to regroup ourselves."

Hange  added, "Yet we still need to keep status on Mr. Jaeger; make sure they don't kill him." 

"I've already discussed that with them.  We made a deal; they get to study him as much as they want, but killing him is prohibited." Erwin said.

"Though I still set up a spy, just to be safe."  He added.

"Smart Commander!"  Hange  exclaimed, happy with her superior.

"So what now?" She  continued.

Erwin adjusted himself in his seat, positioning himself to look out the carriage window again.

"Let's wait a little bit."

A smile formed on Hange's mouth; a small one.

Even though things seemed at their worst, they smiled at the passing bodies, the trees, and the sunlight shining through the city.

Hange sighed .

"We're  almost home , (Last Name)." She said to no one in particular.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHHH HANGE LOVE ME
> 
> I love Hange way too much i apologize  
> but isn't that weird?  
> What is Hange hiding, huh HHhh???!!!! !!  
> Until next chapter, my sweet lovely pumpkin pies.  
> Characters by Isayama except u bc u is u an no one else bb


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See? I'm not dead. Enjoy.

_Dark._  

_Black._  

_Swirls of red, purple._  

_Are those actually swirls?_  

_Am I even seeing anything right now?_  

_Abstract._  

_It looks abstract._  

_I feel lightheaded._  

_Wait, I..._  

_Who am I?_  

_It's as if I've been staring at the sun. My vision. What's going on?_  

You felt yourself drift in and out of self-awareness.  Your ultimate goal was to open your eyes, since that seemed to be the problem. 

 Though, even with your efforts, unknown things would get in the way. 

There were intervals of being aware and being gone.  Not entirely gone - you couldn't think anything, do anything. You ceased to be aware for who knows how long.  It was almost like you were dead; swimming through nothingness.  Then, you would reappear and become aware.  Aware that you were you, and that things were things.  Though you had no idea what a physical body was and what exactly was going on, your being seemed to conjure up a visual reality in your abstract, thoughtful world. 

You would forcibly try and pry your eyelids open, and then the next thing you knew, you were plunged back into the back of your consciousness; into a vegetable-like state where you fought with confusion and non-existence.  You'd slowly fade up to the front of the skull, and continued your efforts to open your eyes. 

It was extremely infuriating.   

This whole thing happened in a total of 4 intervals, and each time, your self-awareness increased.   

You remembered your name. 

"(First Name) (Middle Name) (Last Name)…" you said aloud, but shuddered at the sound of your first name.  You questioned why you did, but soon after questioning, the answer became clear. 

You started to hear familiar voices. 

"(FIRST NAME)!!  Shut up, you stupid little bitch!" You heard a man's frightening yell.  You cringed. 

"(First name)!  Come on, let's go play! Haha!" You heard a cheerful little boy, along with the rustling of tall grass in the wind.   

You choked up. 

"Wah?  Her name is (First Name)?  Ahh...  little girl... 

...I'll make you hate that name, for the rest of your wretched little life." 

You clutched your head so tightly, you thought you might just crush it.  You kind of wanted to. 

These memories were horrible.  Unhappy.  Tainted.  They _couldn't_ be yours. 

You were definitely dreaming. 

It was a scary, terrible nightmare.  Soon, you'd wake back up to Hange and Armin and Levi and... 

Wait. 

_Hange_ _? Armin and Levi?_  

It hit you. 

Carefully, you brought your senses into a new light.   

You remembered everything. 

The female titan, the memories, your squad, your Captain's words. 

Every little thing came back, and you became yourself once again. 

Your face had a dubious expression on it, not knowing if you were happy or not. 

From being a blank slate to remembering who you were... 

You couldn't say it was a relief. 

"Well, (Last Name), we'll be off." You heard Hange's voice boom over like surrounding speakers were attached to the walls. It would've made you jump, you know, if you could move. 

"That means this is your injection for the week..." 

_Injection?_  

You were so confused; thoughts were swirling around your mind; the biggest question being: "Am I awake?" 

You were straining your mind so hard to tell your eyelids to lift, and trying, yet failing to yell at Hange for help.  You heard Hange's booming voice continue: "Please, don't hate me for this..." 

_...Huh?_  

"Hange!!" You cried in your mind, still confused at her statement. 

"Hange, help me!!" You couldn't make the words sound.  After what seemed like hours of fighting the muscles in your mouth, you slowed to a stop.  You felt the sudden rush of the current; the force that shoved you back into the darkness; into nothingness. 

You finally comprehended just what Hange was behind; what was happening to you. Though you couldn't put it in words, your swelling sadness and rage had figured it out, and soon, you were swept into the current which carried you back into the state of your personal unknown. 

\--- 

"I'm not trying to be funny!" He shouted, looking a bit silly as he swung a yardstick at Hange's laughing face. 

"AHAA-" she was dying of laughter, "Then, pfffff—why am I laughing so muuuch!!" She finally fell to the floor while Captain stood in silence, a single drop of sweat falling from his cheek. 

"The fact that you're 'playing around' isn't only pissing _me_  off, Hange.  Everyone's sick of this shit, the main priority right now is to follow Erwi--"  

"Erwin said he's fine, relax a bit.  Everything's good." She laid on the floor as if she was in a field of daisies. 

Levi could do nothing but calm himself.  He sat himself down, fixed his hair, and continued his book. Silence took over the room, and once again seemed peaceful.   

Hange curiously peered up at him through her glasses.   

"Oh?" She voiced, shifting onto her belly. 

After another moment of silence while she looked up at him, she piped up, "What are you reading?" 

"A book," he sighed, "on the 'outside.'" 

She stood up, her interests now piqued. 

"Where did you find that?" She asked, turning so she could see the contents herself. 

He shifted away.  

"Library." 

She moved closer. 

He shifted away. 

Closer. 

He was, at this point, leaning out of his chair. 

Closer – “fuck OFF" and he was gone, out the door. 

She was quite proud of the limits she could take him to. She chuckled. 

He made his way down the halls and through the medical ward, where he could hear painful moans and groans. Not a good place to read. He kept his pace, his slightly slumped posture differing from that of the pure-blood soldiers. He still had a bit of a tilt to his walk. 

He was particularly annoyed due to Hange's earlier behavior, though he brushed it off as her way of loosening everyone up from their tenseness. 

He continued his way to nowhere in particular, which annoyed him even more.  

Walking and walking, he stopped upon a place that was quiet and calm. He stood before your hospital room, which had your name scribed right next to it. He looked at the door again. 

He hadn't seen you since the time Hange brought you back, beaten up and broken down. He wasn't necessarily scared for how you looked now, but still, a small ping of guilt stung him whenever he thought of the event. 

It took him a while, but he made the decision to go and visit your room. He was embarrassed by his behavior; two nurses had stopped by and asked him if everything was alright, and why he looked so nervous. 

_Nervous... Huh._  

He made himself comfy in the chair next to your sleepy figure. 

Light drained in through the windows, which made perfect lighting for his book. He flipped it open and read to himself quietly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this chapter wasn't too confusing!! I'm not too good with words, but I tried my best to convey what's happening. If you have any questions, just ask me. Next update will be very soon, lol


	12. Chapter 12

Things quieted down at the corps.  Surprisingly, about a week in, people began to relax; though it was an uneasy kind of relaxation: the guilty kind. 

 Mikasa hadn't said a word since they got back, except for the mandatory "Yes sir."  Armin was the most scrambled he had ever been.  He was sleep deprived and malnutrition was taking over his already-weak body.  The human body couldn't take too many days of no eating.  He should've been shaking and weak,  yet why was he pacing up and down the hall?   

Many people had said their sorries to Armin. They pitied him silently as he lost himself to his thinking. His mind was the only place he could be in his entire self, so during the whole week of being back, he thought. 

He worried about Eren, mostly.  But he worried about other people,  like Mikasa. 

Mikasa was all messed up.  She was usually in control of the situation, in the decision of whether or not Eren was going to die.  But now, it was all up to the Military Core.  The look in her eyes said everything.  See, Mikasa was a mysterious being, but she wore her heart on her sleave, in a way.  One eye-to-eye contact and you could see everything, feel everything.  People tried to keep their distance but also tried their best to be there for her at the same time. 

He thought about you. 

Word got out that you were in this so-called coma.  The cadets were hopeful, but the vets didn't seem to put much thought into it.  Not that they didn't care, it's just that they didn't _want_ to care.  A normal thing in the corps.  Other than that,  people didn't do anything about it but say,  

"well, let's hope for the best." 

You weren't some random soldier, but one couldn't say that you were exactly beloved. 

Armin muttered to himself of meaningless things as he propped himself up against the wall, feeling restless. 

"Armin!" Hange called down the hall. 

"H-Hi," Armin broke off with himself. 

Hange neared Armin, noticing just how terrible he looked. 

"Armin," she said, giving him a warm pat on the back, "how's that brain of yours?" 

Armin almost toppled over with her slight but also forceful 'pat,' and had to use all his physical strength not to fall flat on his butt. 

"It's... well." He said, his sky blue eyes were seemingly fading.  Seeing this broke Hange's heart, since he was such a nice, gentle boy.  Such innocence could never live very long in this world. 

 "Ah!  Well that's just great.  Get some rest now, Armin, or else you'll fall into a coma, ha ha!" She rubbed his shoulder blade enthusiastically. 

Armin gaped at her obscene joke, unable to react properly.  Hange's expression turned from cheerful to regretful in a matter of seconds.  She stopped rubbing his back. 

"I'm joking, I'm sorry, that was horrible.  I'm sorry Armin," she scratched her head, "I'm not good in these situations." 

Armin nodded, too drained to be angry. 

Hange sighed at the look of him. His dark circles, pale skin, messy hair that was usually so well kept were all so alarming. She felt a pang of guilt for the first time in a while. 

"Say," an idea popped into her head, "why don't you pay her a visit?  She could really use some company.  She just lays there all day with nothing to do.  It sounds _miserable_." 

Armin perked up. He hadn't seen (Last Name) since that night when Hange carried her in.  He wondered what shape she was in now. 

"I thought only doctors and military officials were allowed to visit." Armin replied. 

"I'll give you the okay, don't worry!" Hange said, happy to see his grim expression fade somewhat. 

Hange gave Armin his pass and directed him to your room.   

As they neared your door, Hange spoke. 

"Make sure to give her good company, okay?" 

"I will.  Although, uh," he hesitated, "it's not like she'll hear me anyway..." 

"WRONG," Hange bursted excitedly, "did you know, Armin, that people in comas can actually hear everything that's going on?!  They can hear everything!!" 

She glowered, her excitement taking over.   

"Wait, they can? Seriously?" Armin asked, his interest growing. 

"Yes, sir, she can.  There have been survivors of comas, you see, and they all can say that they could hear their loved ones' voices talking to them.  Isn't that crazy strange?  Being unconscious but also conscious of what's going on." 

 _That actually sounds like torture,_ she thought. 

With that, she gave Armin a smile and exited the hospital wing. 

Armin looked down at his pass, then at the doorknob.  He gulped, unsure of why he was so worried.  He took the brass knob and turned it. 

The light was so overbearing, he had to shield his eyes.  They made an effort in placing you in the room with the most windows.  The sun shone brightly through the glass panes.  His eyes adjusted  and he saw you for the first time in what seemed like forever. 

You lay still on a single cot, laying face up.   

He strode up, taking a nearby chair and scooting it close to your side. 

"Hi, (Last Name)," he was unsure of what to say, "It's me, Armin Arlert." 

He slid himself into the leather seat, taking note of how comfortable it was. 

Your sheets, blankets, and gown were a glowing white, matching the brightness of the daylight coming through the window. 

He noticed how beat up you were.  You had bandages on most of your limbs; most of them curing scrapes and cuts, he guessed. 

He looked at your face and studied it, which wasn't something he usually got to do. 

You looked at peace. Your eyebrows, usually scrunched and serious, were now rested, giving you a more friendly look.   

"(Last Name)," he chuckled, "I never realized just how mean you looked until now." 

He smiled.   

"So," he started, "Eren's been captured." He paused at his statement, wondering if you were really listening right now. 

He went on. 

"And nobody's really doing anything about it, which really, really pisses me off..." 

He clenched his fists in his lap. 

"I just," he let out, "I wish that Commander Erwin would at least tell me what he's going to do about it.  I'm not stupid.  I know he has a plan, so why keep it all to himself..?!" 

It wasn't the fact that nothing was being done about Eren, it was the fact that they were acting like they weren't going to do anything about it.  Also,  the fact that Erwin was keeping it all to himself seemed really selfish.  Armin wasn't usually so hostile to Erwin; he understood that Erwin had to do things his way.  But Armin's newfound mentality had overcome his sense of judgment and blocked out all understanding. 

He noticed your hand twitched. 

"Are you raging inside your head too?" Armin asked, looking at your face. 

"Don't strain yourself.  It's gonna be alright." He reassured. 

Armin's stress couldn't keep off of his friend.  He didn't know what to say to you,  which stressed him out even more.  He almost felt like he was presenting something to a class. 

"I just," Armin stuttered, "We were supposed to go to the ocean together..." 

He felt his guts drop at the words he said; the words he'd been thinking about his whole experience as a soldier.   

"We're going to travel the world... Together!  All three of us..." He hissed, tears coming down his pale cheeks. 

"No matter what, we're getting Eren back.  We're getting him back, and if it takes me dying without seeing that ocean, I will.  Eren wouldn't like me saying it, but I mean it.  If I have to, I WILL entrust my future to him, my dreams, my life.  I promised him we'd see it!" He was fired up. 

The dizziness he felt in his head made him pause to calm down.  Too much fire. 

"(L-Last Name)…" he chuckled, embarrassed for the show he had just put on. 

"Do you know what the ocean is?" He smiled weakly, trying his best to fight sleep. 

Fight sleep.  Huh.  He hadn't been able to do that in days. 

"A book my parents had, it told of the outside world, and the ocean, you see," 

 fight sleep. fight sleep. 

"is a body of water that covers most of the planet.  It's full of salt, too. So much salt and water it could never,"  

Fight sleep. 

"..ever..." 

Everything was silent as his head found the side of your bed, and his mind found rest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it might be a tiny while before i post again after this, my work is shit and im in the middle of trying to find another job, and also writers block, and ant are invading my house,,,,,


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im a! piece of! shit! (translation: i hate my writing recently and im trying to get better meaning i dont wanna write shit that i dont like srry!!!)

"Do you know what the ocean is?" 

No. 

"A book my parents had, it told of the outside world, and the ocean, you see," 

Yes? 

"is a body of water that covers most of the planet. It's full of salt, too. So much salt and water it could never," 

Never what? 

"..ever..." 

 

A few moments passed, and Armin's voice was gone. He spoke to you for a little bit but definitely not long enough. Even so, Armin's voice made you feel somewhat warm. He made you feel less alone whenever he came by. 

You curse yourself for taking voices for granted. Voices that laughed, quiet voices, even whispers. In your state, hearing the slightest sigh gave you more reason to fight; to stay alive and wake up. 

Occasionally you would hear Armin's quiet breathing or sleepless mumbling. Even this—the tiniest things made you feel very much whole. 

\-- 

"Armin?" Hange's voice sounded, but did not stir a sleeping Armin. 

Jeez, she thought. 

She took out a syringe, gave it a flick, maneuvered herself towards your bed. 

You knew there had been a new presence in the room, but you could tell it was Hange now. She breathed a certain way, stepped a certain way. Everyone did. 

Please god no, 

She positioned it, and she saw your hand twitch. Hange cringed at herself. No matter how much she believed in what was right for you, this all seemed too cruel. 

And as the needle pierced your skin and the serum entered your bloodstream, you wondered what Hange's biggest fear was because you would definitely be using it against her when you woke up. 

You were trying so hard to hold on, keep your head. But this was too much, and you'd probably never beat this wave that crashed down on you everytime Hange visited you. 

"(Last Name), I apologize..." She mutters out. 

And you're falling away, 

"We need you to be reader soon, I'm sor--" 

But you were already gone, and Hange was left with(basically) a corpse. 

And she looked down at you regretfully. 

Hange prayed to whatever god was putting everyone through this hell that Armin(who had been sleeping) was actually sleeping and that she didn't just put her position in jeopardy. 

"Armin?" She sounded meek, waving her hand in front of his face. 

No response; she sighed in relief and poked him awake. 

"Mmmm," he murmured, turned his head away. 

"C'mon, pretty boy," she picked him up by his arm as he regained some of his footing, half asleep still. 

Hange walked Armin all the way to his dorm, where he would sleep for quite some time. 

\-- 

Levi liked routines. He enjoyed tidiness, punctuality, organization, and repeating things at the same time during the days. 

And when he found another thing to add to his routine, he felt happy. Even thought people were definitely judging from afar, you could say he didn't really give a fuck. Because he's captain Levi, that's why. 

Being in your hospital room was nice. It was clean, smelled nice, quiet. 

Looking at you, he questioned whether or not you'd actually make it out of that state alive, or even with your mind intact. He imagined you in a vegetable-like condition, unable to speak or do anything: Having everything done for you as you drooled all over yourself. Brain fried. The thought made him terribly uneasy. 

Levi kind of felt sick whenever he thought about what happened to you. And sometimes caught himself blaming himself, which was weird, because this happens all the time. 

The new addition to his routine was that he always, everyday after his report stacks, read silently in your room until 8 pm. Why did he go? Why did he feel the need? It wasn't like he was something special to you, or vice versa. The two of you had a relationship like any other subordinate did with their captain. 

He looked up from his book after reading but not actually reading a paragraph 3 times over. He couldn't get his mind off your current state today for some reason. 

He looked at your face, which wasn't something he really did since you'd been admitted in the hospital. He was unsure why. Though when he finally did, the reason hit him hard in the face. 

Levi had never seen you so vulnerable-looking. In your present state, you looked innocent. Weak, even. Almost like you needed protection. 

Again, why was he always coming around here? 

The windows were open and the slight breeze blew the white curtains. The air was really much too calm. 

He closed his book shut. It was only 6:30. 

It was only 6:30 but Levi couldn’t stop thinking about you and he needed to go do something else. 

\-- 

The days passed slowly. Armin could hardly take it. He wanted, no—he needed Eren back. For his and Mikasa's sanity. 

"Armin, where are you going?" Mikasa asked in the hallway. She'd been noticing his now-often absences from his usual reading time in his room. 

"Oh, I'm just going to go read for a bit." He replied honestly. 

Mikasa believed him, but where else would he go read? 

"Okay." Mikasa said, many questions residing on her tongue. She didn't want to pry. They were all in a strange state at this point. 

Soldiers acted like nothing had happened and continued on with their usual activities. What else could they do? All they knew was that there was going to be an operation to go capture Eren at some point. Not very descriptive, and they were tired of all this anyway. 

Armin thought about whether or not he should be by Mikasa's side more. Eren's absence was taking its toll. He didn't really think of himself as particularly close to Mikasa and he definitely couldn't replace Eren's presence. What good could he do? 

"Mikasa, are you doing all right?" He croaked, not knowing anything else to say. Mikasa was a mysterious being. Sometimes he could read her like a book; other times he had no clue. 

Mikasa chinned up with an expression that could only be compared to an abused dog. 

She would usually shoo off anyone trying to pry, but she was so tired, so anxious. So depressed. 

"Not really." She said, lowering her gaze. 

Armin felt bad for neglecting her. He should've known she was going through this. All Armin did was run off and find his own way of comfort. 

"I'm sorry, Mikasa." Was all Armin could say while he walked up to Mikasa's slightly bigger frame. 

"Mmm." Mikasa's mouth was covered by Eren's old scarf. How she missed when it smelled of the Jaeger's household. 

Armin touched the side of Mikasa's arm hesitantly. he wasn't educated on how to comfort her; he never needed to. 

"You look skinny." Armin noticed. Had she been eating enough? 

"I don't have an appetite." She said sadly. 

Mikasa. 

Armin put his arms around her. 

"Eren wouldn't want this, Mikasa. You have to stay strong..." Armin said into her hair. 

"I know." Was all Mikasa said. She hung limply, arms at her sides, but she allowed Armin to hold her crumbling figure. 

\-- 

"I'm sorry I'm late, (Last Name), I had to do a couple--" 

Armin's words shot back into his throat at the sight of his Captain, Levi, sitting in Armin's usual seat, doing his usual activity. 

"Captain!" Armin was surprised beyond belief. He couldn't tell if it was fear or embarrassment that was making his back cold with nervous sweat. 

Levi looked over his shoulder at his confused subordinate. 

"What do you need?" Levi asked, trying not to show anger. He had a habit of yelling whenever he was embarrassed. 

"Oh, I was just... going to read to (Last Name)." He said nervously. 

Levi cocked an eyebrow, 

"I come in here every morning usually and read to her, since she can hear everything. I figured it would make her feel less lonely, but this morning I got held up so, lateness." 

This was new information, Levi thought. 

"I see." He turned back towards his book, "It's always noisy around here. Hard to get some peace and quiet." 

So he comes here regularly, Armin thought to himself. 

He always wondered what yours and Levi's relationship was like. Were you normal subordinate and Captain? Good friends? Enemies? 

As far as Armin knew, Levi didn't keep many people close. 

Armin began again, "I bet she enjoys your presence, though. Even if you don't speak." 

Levi didn't show a reaction, but Armin definitely knew he reacted. 

Armin always wondered what Levi was thinking, but this applied itself much more at this particular moment. 

"She probably enjoys any presence." He finally said, getting up out of the chair. 

"Yeah.." Armin chuckled nervously, "Probably." 

As Levi left through the door, Armin saluted respectfully to his Captain. 

"(Last Name), oh man." He breathed a long sigh as he sat where Levi once was. 

It was still a little warm. Armin frowned at the sensation. 

He let the air become still, letting in the moment. 

"We're leaving soon. To go get Eren." 

Silence filled the room again. 

"I hope you're doing well. And I hope you wake up soon..." The stress was overwhelming at this point, and he let a tear escape his eye. 

"Please wake up soon." 

He wiped his eyes and nose, picked up his book, and began reading.


	14. 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "She'll wake up soon." Hange spoke softly. 
> 
> Levi spoke after a while, almost in a low whisper, "How do you know?" And Hange swore she heard a bit of sadness in his voice. 
> 
> "I just do!" She replied in a cheery tone, deeply uncomfortable by the seriousness of his tone just then.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys I've put you through so much shit this past year and I just wanted to give you all you've been waiting for, but I wont spoil it yet i mean you probably already know whats gonna happen lmao.
> 
> If you're still around after all these years, ah hell yea where did you get your loyalty because that shit be strong

One could say Levi was stoic. 

He was cool, calm, collected. Serious. 

But Hange was also Hange, and the broom swinging above her ducked head was a clear sign that Levi was not always, cool, calm, and collected. 

"You have a cruuush!! Levi has a crushhh!" Hange cooed, blocking his blows with a book. 

Hange had, one way or another, found out about Levi's meetings with you (or, your body more so) and relentlessly milked it. 

At first is was fine, Levi was fine, but then he wasn't because it wouldn't fucking stop, and now he was actually throwing pencils like darts and it was honestly the funniest thing to Hange, even though she might die. 

She managed an escape through the door of his office and ran away, far far away. Out of Levi's pencil dart range and she laughed the entire way. 

Levi was fuming. 

The day was going fine, and now he was so worked up, and god he needed to clean. 

In fact, earlier was fine. it was great. 

Levi had been reading, like he usually does, in your hospital room. He had the room to himself; Armin never interrupted again (that had been embarrassing, he had thought). 

But there was a fucking lint, a little, tiny ass lint ball on your cheek from the linen and god it was annoying the fuck out of him. He finally stood up and leaned over you, plucked it off gently, and Hange was in the doorway and now his life was hell. 

“A fucking lint ball,” he was practically steaming out of his ears, and he never knew he would harbor so much hate for a little ball of lint. 

\-- 

Things had gotten substantially better in the survey corps. Now that they were(somewhat) quieter, the public had taken their eyes off them(also somewhat). The fiasco in Rose could only be a subject of matter until the place was cleaned up, and let's face it: Rose was small and easy to clean up. And most of the inhabitants of the city liked being ignorant, because it was bliss. 

"Squad leader Hange," Erwin began, "I think it's almost time." Erwin was sitting at his desk, and all his papers were done already. 

"Did you finish all of those?" Hange gaped. She had only given them to him 3 hours ago when the sun had only been peaking out from the wall's horizon. Was Erwin even human? Oh shit, he's talking, 

"Are you listening to me?" Erwin questioned. 

"No." She answered honestly. Erwin pinched the bridge of his nose. 

"I think it's time you woke (Last Name) up." 

Hange froze. 

She and her personal doctor were the only ones who knew. They were the only ones in charge of keeping you in your coma. 

"What, you think I didn't know?" Erwin smirked. 

"Well, uh..." Hange stuttered, and she was honestly taken off guard. Which didn't really happen, so Hange was sweating a little now. Though she doubted Erwin cared(he was kind of twisted as fuck too), she knew that if anyone else, like Armin or Mikasa or even Levi(she'd bet some money on it) knew, she would be in deep shit. 

"Why did you do it?" Erwin continued, lifting his black drip to his lips. 

"Honestly, for a good reason," Hange explained, "(Last Name) is really stubborn, sir. She likes to move around and help. I knew this mission had something to do with going undercover inside Rose, and (Last Name) is from that region. She knows the terrain, I would think. " Hange actually didn't know anything about your childhood, she just saw your origin of birth on your soldier records and assumed. Probably not a smart move, but Hange took lots of risks. Most of them turned out okay, so she trusted her intuition. 

"I thought if she's in a coma, her body can heal quicker. And it has," she was proud of her hypothesis, "her bones are healed and there are only scars left on her body." 

Erwin seemed to think on her words, but he didn't say anything more. 

"I trust you." Was all he said, and Hange saluted. 

\-- 

"Why am I walking with you?" Levi asked, obviously annoyed. There were a stack of papers that needed to be done but they weren't because Levi had been cleaning. He had his whole day planned, but this shit glasses grabbed him the second he finished mopping and he honestly wondered if he'd be sad if she fell off a cliff. Into a titan. 

"Because! I like your company, and (Last Name) likes your company too, and it'll be great. You need to let loose." Levi realized Hange had been pulling him by his arm; he shook free so he could walk on his own. When did Hange and him become so close? 

Levi was quiet before speaking, "Is (Last Name) even gonna wake up?" Hange looked at him with a dubious expression, and Levi cursed his face for getting pinker. Fuck her. 

"Like, is it worth it to take care of her? She's sucking up a lot of resources, just laying there." 

"Oh hush," Hange said, "everyone here knows she's worth it. Even a grump like you." Levi didn't say anything to that, but they arrived at your hospital room. 

Honestly, you could've been a statue. You looked like you literally hadn't moved in ages; your complexion was much more pale than usually, and the veins on your eyelids were visible; it was like your skin was beginning to turn transparent. You looked hauntingly beautiful, paired with the faint glow of the curtains covering the sunlight from your window. 

"She'll wake up soon." Hange spoke softly. 

Levi spoke after a while, almost in a low whisper, "How do you know?" And Hange swore she heard a bit of sadness in his voice. 

"I just do!" She replied in a cheery tone, deeply uncomfortable by the seriousness of his tone just then. 

She set her list of to-dos on the seat next to you, kneeled down on her knee and held your left hand in both of hers. 

"She feels warmer." She stated. Soldiers who use the 3d maneuvering gear on a day-to-day basis usually had pretty gnarly calluses on their palms. Your's especially were commonly bleeding by the end of daily training, but today, your palms felt smooth. Delicate. She felt like a ghastly monster, her dirty calloused palm holding that of a princess. She chuckled. The serum had even started to heal your external skin. 

But your hands really were warmer than they had usually been. Hange began worrying. She skipped the serum that sent you back into your coma last week, but she didn't know exactly when all of it was supposed to wear off. 

"Well, we should go get our other stuff done." She paced out quickly and Levi trailed thoughtlessly behind, wondering when he became a dog. 

They had been walking towards Erwin's office for a couple minutes when Hange cursed under breath. Levi accepted his duty as Hange's dog because fuck; he'd been working all morning and cleaning all afternoon and he didn't wanna look at all those reports, better yet mindlessly read through them and bullship responses to them. Hange's company was annoying as fuck, but he'd much rather go back and fetch her stupid to-do list than spend hours doing mind numbing paperwork. 

"I honestly want to die," he muttered under her breath as he rounded the door frame into your room. 

In all Levi's life, he'd seen some nasty things. He'd seen things that left him feeling a range of emotions. A lot of people had this preexisting notion that Levi was emotionless, but that was bullshit. Levi had emotions. It was just hard for him to express them like most people do: smiling, laughing, crying. It was difficult for something to surprise him so much that it make him have a physical reaction. 

Today was a special day for Levi though, because when he came in on your hunched frame slurping desperately for water from the water bucket beside your bed, his body did a thing where it didn't know if it wanted to turn around and run away or go to you and help, so it just rotated back and forth stiffly until he decided to be a functioning human again. 

"(Last Name)," he tried not to shout at you as he closed the distance between your frail body and his, and he ended up catching you as your grip on the thing fell, and now he was holding you steady, your arms had subconsciously gripped onto his shoulders to keep balance and he wondered if you were actually awake. 

"Hange... that fucking..." You got out. Your tongue felt numb and god you needed more water. 

Your thin arms were shaking, and gripping Levi's arms felt like holding onto life itself. 

"W-water," you begged. You felt instinctual, and you knew who was there with you but god you felt like you were gonna die if you didn't have water right this second. 

"(Last Name), shit," was all he could say, and you had already drank so much but you needed more or else your tongue would shrivel up and die. But now you felt like everything inside you was gonna come up, and it did. Thankfully into the water bin you had been previously drinking out of, and you cursed yourself for being so vile in front of a person with an actual obsessive cleaning disorder, but all you could think about was how terrible you felt and how much you hated Hange Zoe. 

"What's taking you so long—OH MY GOD" Hange shrieked as you hurled into the bin. Levi was right behind you, holding your hair out of your face, and he was... he was rubbing your back, not really knowing how to sooth someone so all he did was rub circles into your back and shaking shoulders. 

She was relieved that you were awake, but as he came to help, she knew that today would be one of the worst days of her life. 

She had put you through two of the most grueling months of your entire life. And the shit she'd get would be endless. 

But you were okay(you were crying and yelling curses towards her blindly), and you were alive, and she was just relieved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for all your comments. I read every single one, and even if I don't reply to all, they touch me and make me happy, and they make me want to write more for you guys. thanks again


	15. things are getting weird

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your feelings were jumbled at the thought of carrying out a mission on your own. But now you were in Erwin's office, with your Captain Levi, and you were worried they could hear your heart doing flips. 
> 
> "(Last Name)?" Erwin's voice finally emerged to your attention. How long had he been talking? Fuck, you hadn't been listening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> things ARE getting weird. You wanna know why, because I'm too lazy to look at my past chapter and make this series anything like a series because my writing changes with every chapter :^) you guys who stuck around for the past 2 years are honestly wild, like you guys are showing more loyalty than my ex lmaoooo

Simple things were suddenly comforting, like the light sound of the trees rustling in the breeze and the quiet chirp of the bugs. All of these new sensations felt new even though you had felt them many times before. 

Your chair was hard and cold but the comfort it brought was thrice that of the bed. Simple words couldn't express how happy you were to be there, looking out your dorm window. 

The same dorm you had shared with Petra. 

You felt so, so whole. 

After being asleep for so long, you felt reborn with a new sense of enlightenment, or something. Your life had been a constant roller coaster, physically and emotionally, and now after being slingshot through a forest, after being forcefully coma'd by Hange, after having Captain(with a capital C) Levi hold your hair out of your face like you were some bachelorette at a party puking your guts out, you felt like all was good with your internal strife. 

Maybe it was all just the pain meds you were on. 

"(Last Name)?" A timid, tender voice came through the door. You knew that voice—it was scratchy and low, but smooth. Like honey. 

"Yes, honey," you said for god knows why; it seemed like the right thing to say. 

"Dear me." Hange came through your door with a cup of tea in one hand and the doorknob in the other. 

You felt your cheeks tense up into an effortless smile at the sight of your friend. 

"My best friend." You thought aloud, and Hange set down the cup, stifling a laughter. A smile played at her lips. 

"I'm guessing you're not mad at me anymore?" 

Now, you had to think about this answer. It was hard at the time, being pumped full of medicine that made you feel like everything in the world was great but after a second(or two. Or three) you finally met her e 

"No, I'm pissed." You replied, following up with another question, "is that mine?" You motioned toward the beverage. 

Hange didn't seem surprised; her smile kept on her face as she nodded and handed the drink to you. 

You had to halt when you took the first sip, because holy moly, this was the best cup of tea you had ever tasted. 

"Holy shit, this is the best cup of tea ever." You held the teacup like it was a holy grail, and you swear you could see a luminous glow eminating from the porcelain. 

Hange was at a loss at this point; she had come here to talk seriously with you about your friendship, but honestly seeing you in this state humored her more than seeing Levi flustered over reading by your side. 

Hange hadn't been able to sleep lately. Well, she hadn't been able to sleep for the past two months, honestly. The guilt was overwhelming, more overwhelming than sending teenagers off to battle. You and Hange's friendship had lasted at least that of hers and Levi's. Friendships—REAL friendships didn’t come easy for Hange. She was the type of person to be friendly with everyone, but never the one to truly care for everyone. 'kind of terrible but not all the way there' she had categorized herself. Maybe this was why Hange could get along with Levi so well; she didn't care much about people but was friendly with everyone, and Levi cared too much about people, but just didn't show it. 

"Hange, I'm pissed, but you're still my best friend." You blurted out, seemingly reading Hange's mind. 

A small sigh escaped Hange's lips without meaning to, "oh, (Last Name), you scared me there." 

You shot her a dubious expression, sipping the hot tea again and practically moaning in response. 

"This tea is so good. Is this shit herbal? Herbal's good. Good shit." You sniffed it erotically. 

Hange tried not to die of laughter, watching you basically have sex with a cup of tea Levi had made just like any other cup of tea he makes. 

"I didn't think you'd be a tea type of person." Hange said, raising an eyebrow. 

"God, not usually," you replied, "But this tea does things to me. Hange, you don't even drink tea, how can you make such an orgasm in the form of a cup of tea?" 

Hange choked on her saliva, tried so hard not to die. She never thought she'd see the day you said 'orgasm' out loud so shamelessly. Sometimes your humor took her by surprise, the very few times it surfaced. 

"Well," Hange regained herself, "I don't drink tea. You're right." 

She smirked. 

"The orgasm tea professional you should be thanking is Captain Levi Ackerman." 

Your face immediately froze, and Hange knew she had knocked the high right out of you. 

You brought the cup away from your face, doing some intense introspection, and Hange died laughing over how pink your cheeks were. 

 

  
"The time is now, I believe," Erwin stood in his office, stacks of paper still crowding his desk. 

"I'm starting to think you hate the color of your desk or something," Hange lifted a stack, trying to find the buried wood. 

"Hange," Erwin faced her now, and Hange knew he was serious but she really, really didn't want to be serious now. 

"I know the whole thing makes you nervous. I'm nervous as well." He said, monotone with no expression and Hange scoffed. 

"Sending one of our best veterans who just came out of a coma and quite possible PTSD out on a solo mission isn't something I'm really hyped on doing, Commander. I mean," Hange waved her hand in the air, "I know I said she could go, to like, find our way around the inner wall but shit, Commander." 

Erwin was silent, in his thoughts for a moment. Hange continued. 

"I mean, just because she has a blurry past in the inner wall doesn't mean she'll be exactly useful, so especially sending her alone--" 

"You didn't actually have the intentions of sending her on this mission at all, did you squad leader?" 

Hange froze, ashamed. Because it was true, she only made the lie up so she could get the funding. 

"Commander, I'm sorry." She honestly felt terrible. 

She used the horrible situation they were in to get funding for your medical needs, otherwise you probably would have died. The guilt had been eating at her a long time, but she knew she'd have even more guilt if she hadn't done anything about it. 

"I understand human emotion, no matter what anyone says." Erwin said, "But I can't allow something like this to go unpunished." 

Hange would take any punishment he threw her way. She deserved it, anyway. 

"(Last Name) will go on the mission." 

Hange looked up, wide eyes, "What?" 

Shit. Fuck, shit, he was punishing her in the worst possible way and Hange felt tears coming to her eyes. 

"Commander." She tried not to yell, or let any cracks in her voice (failing, of course). 

"Commander," she continued, "please let me find another way. A better way to do this mission. Please." 

"If you're asking to put someone else to the job, like a cadet, I'll pull you from your position entirely." 

And Hange was really at a crossroad here. 

Erwin was right; you were honestly the best person for this job. the rest of the veterans were squad leaders, too high of a position and most veterans were either hospitalized with severe PTSD or they were dead. 

Except you. 

Hange was panicking. What would she do? What can she do and who is she willing to trust to protect you, in the least? 

"Levi." She blurted the first face that came to mind. Although it was mostly out of answering from the heart, she also realized that Levi was perfect for this. 

"Levi!" She reiterated, more excitement to her voice. 

"Levi?" Erwin questioned, raising an eyebrow. 

"Levi, for an investigation operation?" 

"Yes!" Hange exclaimed, "(Last Name) and Levi, investigating the inner wall. No one really has their face memorized, and they're both genuises. It would go without a hitch." 

And Hange held behind this belief; she knew Levi would go with it, since it was with you. 

She noticed the peculiar way Levi looked at you, the peculiar way you looked at him. The two of you didn't really communicate, but when you did, it was awkward, pensive, careful. Overall, for Hange, it was interesting. 

Erwin ended the conversation quickly, telling Hange he needed to think on it, and she'd hear about his answer later. To which she jumped with glee, because that usually meant yes. 

 

  
"Mikasa, have my bread." Armin held the bun to her, she took it. 

Armin smiled. Mikasa had been getting better, day after day. 

"Armin!! How're you doing little guy?" Hange plopped herself down beside the blonde. 

Armin flinched when Hange pat his back like nothing in the world was wrong. 

"Squad Leader," could you be a little quieter?" Mikasa looked at Hange without life in her eyes. Hange could tell that kind of expression anywhere. 

She had seen in countless times before. 

"Of course, sorry Mikasa." Hange replied, keeping her head a little lower. 

Mikasa continued eating, but her attention was not wavering from Hange's figure. 

Mikasa hated Hange right now, Hange could feel it. Mikasa and Eren might've been family, but there was some different form of affection that connected those two. 

Hange had seen the both of them interact; Eren always brushed her off and Mikasa didn't seem bothered by it. Mikasa held a strange unconditional love for Eren. It didn't matter how much she treated him like shit, she would always come right back. 

Which left Hange to believe that Mikasa was kind of crazy. Nevertheless, she loved Eren. And Hange felt she should explain the situation of Eren. 

"I'll be abstract," she said, almost in a whisper, "so that I don't get in trouble." 

Armin nodded, Mikasa turned her head only slightly. 

"We... We aren't going back. Not for a while. But things.." Hange was trying very hard not to say anything too concrete. 

"Things are happening. No need to worry." Hange felt ridiculous, and she probably did look ridiculous as she leaned over the table to a couple teenagers. 

Mikasa ate the last bite of her bun, stood up, and left. 

Hange was confused. Had she said something? 

"D-Did I.." Hange pointed to herself. 

"No, no." Armin replied, finishing off the rest of his soup. 

"She's a little... touchier recently. Like anything about Eren kind of sets her off. I think she's trying to sort out her own thoughts on what's happening." 

Armin stood up. 

"Honestly, squad leader, I think we all are. I think we need a vacation." Armin laughed hollowly. 

Hange winced. 

"Get some sleep, Arlert." Hange said after him, as he walked toward where Mikasa vanished. 

 

  
Your feelings were jumbled at the thought of carrying out a mission on your own. But now you were in Erwin's office, with your Captain Levi, and you were worried they could hear your heart doing flips. 

"(Last Name)?" Erwin's voice finally emerged to your attention. How long had he been talking? Fuck, you hadn't been listening. 

"Yes. I apologize." 

Erwin only sighed. 

"Idiot." Levi said in the chair next to you. 

Levi was same as always, it seemed. 

"Jesus Christ," you muttered, "I just got off my pain meds. Get off my ass." 

Erwin chuckled, tried to regain his composure. Maybe the meds hadn't worn off yet. Levi was grimacing beside you, and you honestly wanted to laugh as well. 

Weirdly, after all the terrible shit that had happened to you in the past few months, you felt more normal than you had ever felt. Talking to Erwin no longer gave you anxiety like it did, and Levi was more easy going, it seemed like. Which was weird; the two of you don't really converse much in general. 

It was a strange; it was something you didn't understand either. The fact that you and Levi never really spoke, but you felt weirdly close to him at the same time. 

"(Last Name), I'll repeat myself." Erwin cleared his throat. 

"We're conducting an investigation, and I thought since your current state, you'd like to bring somebody along." 

You tried not to twitch at how fucking on the spot you'd felt for the past week or so. Time felt unreal since you woke up and you were having a hard time getting used to it. On top of that, having everyone come and check in on you, send flowers (who were these people?? You didn't have friends), and most of all, Hange. 

Not only was the investigation solo, but it was in wall Sina. Your hometown. The first time you heard the words being uttered from Hange, you felt memories you'd tried so hard to keep down bubbling up, almost like stomach bile. Ironically, when Hange left that day, you puked your guts out. 

The investigation was in Sina, and you'd have to remember what the fuck that privileged place looked like. How to talk to the townspeople like you were privileged as well. How to be like you once were; a frail, stupid girl who just wanted a family. 

But Erwin's words were resurfacing, and now you felt yourself begin to sweat even more. 

Somebody along? Like, one-on-one? 

"T-That," you stuttered, embarrassment filling your bones, "sounds like a good idea." 

What the fuck were you thinking? Nothing. You weren't thinking at all because with Erwin you never knew what response was correct. 

Should you have said no? Told him that 'No, I'm okay, I'd rather not have someone witness first-hand the sheer anxiety I experience and the utter crippling depression I face when I think about my childhood'? 

But Erwin was already nodding, and you wanted to die. Eaten by a titan. Why hadn't you been eaten yet? God hated you, you concluded. 

"Well, I hope you two get along well. I suggest you get lots of rest; you have a week until departure." 

Your lungs constricted, because wait, who? Who were you going with? 

"I ask you to please keep this mission a secret, since it's undercover." Erwin's words swam in the air, and you locked eyes with Levi, apparently your undercover partner, and you felt every fiber of your being eroding away. 

"O-Oh." You were so stupid. What the fuck. Had you lost your communication skills in the coma? Were you still qualified to be a soldier? And Levi's small, yet bold silver eyes found yours, his black fringe sweeping against his cheek. 

Levi looked at you studiously, like he was trying to figure out what you were thinking, before asking, "Disappointed?" 

"What? No, or, wait--" 

Levi waved his hand, turning around to grab a couple papers off Erwin's desk and you felt so dumb. Like a bumbling idiot. Why were you so nervous? 

He turned towards you again, papers in one hand, other hand adjusting his cravat that didn't need any adjusting, left through the door and you sat there stupidly. 

"I hope you'll be able to act normally around him in a week." Erwin's voice boomed over your daze. "I suggest you spend some time with him." 

You gulped, "Yes sir."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> buckle up kiddos because things about to get wild from here on out


	16. anchor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Thanks Levi."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finished this at 4 am, tried to upload it, but my computer crashed just as I started adding the text lmaoooooo  
> I looked over it a couple times last night but like i said i finished at like 4 am so if u find anything(you probs will) lemme know pls tysm sorry for the late update life has been cray ;^0

You dressed in simple townswoman garb. The dress fell to your ankles, your boots had a slight heal, and your wire bra dug into your side. You looked much more feminine compared to your daily uniform, so the sight of yourself was quite a shocker. It definitely wasn't up to the standard of dress your family had, but it wasn't peasantry in the least. You made a spin in the mirror, looking a little fond of yourself for the first time in a while. 

Looking back, Erwin's words didn't have much of an effect pertaining to your buffer week of getting ready and other things. 

Spend time with him? How does one simply spend time with Captain Levi? He's not a busy man but that doesn't mean he's easy to track. 

And even if you do track him, what then? 

If you had anything to say about last week of trying to 'spend time with Levi', they would be words like 'sad' and 'forever alone' and 'failure.' 

And here you were, just about ready to leave for your undercover mission. 

"Isn't she beautiful?" You heard Erwin's voice from the other side, where Levi was finishing up his bow and cuffs. 

You almost choked on your spit as you turned your head in their direction to find an uninterested Levi, still finishing up his cuffs. Levi was suited up in the same theme; some dark brown slacks, dress shirt, vest, and thin jacket. He looked almost normal, though his height seemed altered.... 

You chuckled. 

He was wearing insoles. 

Oh god. 

"What's with the smile?" Hange asked. Which was awkward because you had just openly gazed at Levi, held said gaze, and smiled. 

Fuck. 

"No, it's not--" 

"Hange," Levi said, and you started to panic, but he continued, "whatever the hell you're teasing (Last Name) about, just stop it. She has enough to deal with at the moment." 

Hange scoffed annoyingly, clicked her tongue. leaned in closer to you and whispered, "You two assholes ARE meant for each other." 

 

\-- 

 

You inhaled smoke and sweat, and it all seemed natural, you guessed. 

The past twenty four hours had been anything but eventful—all you had gained from riding on the back of Levi's horse was a sore ass and bad memories (pertaining to your last ride on Levi's horse). 

That awkward silence had at least given you some time to reflect on your life. If panicking about seeing anyone you recognized meant reflecting, then yes. 

You were sure that no one would recognize you since you weren't such a sociable little child when you lived there, but you were sure you'd recognize them, and that made you feel sick to your stomach for some reason. 

There was that, but there was also the fact that a mini plague had taken out the lower class (if you could even call them lower class) and few high-class citizens of wall sina. You knew your family fell victim—Hange had slid your family papers to you along with your dental work after appointing you to the survey corps. You didn't really care at the time, and you still didn't. 

Levi was unusually quiet, probably sensing your weird mood. Sometimes, though, he would chime in on your thoughts with mindless chatter, like, "the weather's not shit." Aka, his way of talking about the weather. 

Sometimes you could hear the quiet sound of whistling. The first time you heard it, you thought you'd gone crazy, until you saw Levi's puckered lips as he turned his head. Your cheeks had gotten warm after that, for some weird reason. Hearing Levi whistle for nothing other than entertainment for the two of you gave you some weird kind of giddiness. Every time Levi did something like that, you got a weird sense of giddiness, and if you were being completely honest, you hated yourself for it. 

You had no sense of romance, or even whatever it felt like. 

You quickly realized how little gender roles there are in the corps—you grabbed one small bag of yours and Levi had taken it out of your hand instantly, giving you the same look he had given you when you recklessly swung under branches (a no-no) during training. 

You felt stupid and also like a total outsider. You had forgotten what role women played in this type of society, but what could you do? Levi was taking all the bags in himself, having to make more than one trip, and you were just standing there being useless. 

The day grew dim fast, and so did your mood as the familiar stench of townsmen stunk up the bottom area. Despite all the people, you and Levi stayed, wanting to seem as normal as possible. But as the night went on and the room became crazier, things got a little looser. 

In the bar, there was no you, but someone else. You were the bar version of yourself, which everyone could agree, definitely wasn't you. But every single bit of your being—you, yourself—pricked up at the sight of him. Of his bold green eyes, his shaggy brown hair, his tall and husky features. 

You could still see that uncomfortable hint of edge in those emerald flecks. 

You were right in that you'd recognize people, but you were wrong to think they wouldn't recognize you. 

Levi seemed to notice, also, the moment you caught sight of him. Levi doesn't smile, but if he was smiling, he would've stopped. 

"(First Name)?" Jacob asked. 

His eyes kept with yours, and it should seem like it was a common greeting between friends, but all you could hear was the sheer spit in his voice the moment he sold you off to the worst childhood you could ever imagine. 

What the fuck was going on? Was this supposed to happen? What were you supposed to do? 

"Hi there." You tried your best to act natural, and it paid off by the way his friends all came up and shared a drink casually since you were 'chill' enough to be approached by him. 

"Anything for your guy, ma'am?" One of the burly men asked you. You guessed they were talking about Levi, who had gone back to reading his novel and sipping his tea. 

For the first time during the entire trip, you touched Levi. 

It usually wasn't anything to be noted of, but your mind noted it as an important concept, the concept of contact with Levi, even if it was a small caress of the arm to get his attention. 

"Do you want anything?" You asked softly, but also like you had asked him the question a hundred times before. God his eyes were beautiful in the second he looked at you, and he said "No." 

You felt a hand on your arm this time, but in this case, you went completely rigid. 

"So, he is your guy?" Jacob asked. 

You knew Jacob was here, talking to you, to try to get with you and patch things up. You could tell what kind of guy he was just by the way he walked, talked, the way he swung up on people like he was allowed to do whatever he wanted. 

In all honestly, he probably didn't even remember the incident as well as you did. Because on his side, all he remembered was saying "yes" to some big scary men to get money, and then you going missing. By your personal judgment of your family, the city, and the people in the city, you probably weren't missed. 

You remembered being scared shitless in that situation. You remember feeling the worst pain you had ever felt on the cold floor. the blood, the sweat, the tears, until you could shed no more. You remembered your entire life, and most of it was because of this little shit. 

Well, more like big shit. He was ripped now. 

That fact in itself set you on edge; he's lived with a nice family, a family that loves him, and on TOP of that turd sundae, he inherited good genes. Natural gifts of strength, and just by sight, you could see his hands were not calloused. 

He didn't even have a fucking job. 

Okay, right now, you didn't want him to back off you. In fact, you wanted to get him on you as soon as you fucking could. 

"No. He's a work partner." You told him, and you could almost feel Levi's eyes on the back of your head in question. 

You and Levi were supposed to be a young couple on their honeymoon; at least that was the alibi Erwin had given you two. He said it would be easy, but it wasn't, because it was the second day of travel and the only time you had touched him was just a second ago. 

Despite Levi's reaction, you kept pushing. 

"It's been a long time, why don't we catch up?" 

 

\-- 

 

"That guy looks like a black crow in the form of a human." Jacob said as the two of you settled in on a log out back. You were only half way to the center of riches, but this bar and tavern was honestly beautiful. 

Though it was crawling with drunks, out back there were little bonfires here and there with logs set around them. It made for a beautiful atmosphere, especially since no one seemed to like this place, leaving you and Jacob to be the only one's there. 

The atmosphere was great and beautiful, but you felt icy cold, and pent up with anger. 

"So, life's been good for you?" He broke the silence, causing you to resurface from your thoughts. 

Jacob was charming. He looked at you like he was really looking at you, like he was really listening to you. He always looked sincere, which is why you became so close to him; he was the only constant sincerity and he was always someone you could always be sincere to. 

You nodded your head, taking another sip of your beer, and you were so fucking insincere. 

"That's good. I uh... I've been wondering where you've been. I always knew that situation, uh, you know, wasn't as serious as I thought it was." 

You looked up at him at his words. 

"I mean, look at you, you're as healthy and beautiful as ever. No one could stop you and your family." 

You didn't think he'd come out and talk about it at all—you thought he'd be smart enough to know what kind of shit he put you through, but no. This kid, in this moment, believed nothing at all happened to you in that 'situation.' 

Jacob interrupted your reticence, "So, (First Name), what have you been up to?" 

You remembered that cold floor. 

"Where have you been?" 

You could almost feel the isolation, the fear, the everything again in full swing. You couldn't feel your hands or feet. 

"(First Name)?" 

You stood up, almost knocking Jacob off the log, and you couldn't take it. You couldn't handle looking at him when half of you wanted to murder him and half of you wanted to confide in him, go back to the past when he made you feel safe and loved. The anger you felt matched no other time in your life; you wanted to see him experience the same things you did. You wanted him to stand it for as long as you did. You wanted him to fuck off entirely, and these evil, evil thoughts scared you. 

And it was that fear of yourself that made you back off. You slowly made your way away from that bonfire. You could hear Jacob trying to say something but your ears wouldn't hear. 

You reached the back door and you felt a hand on your wrist as you took the doorknob. For some reason, the name that popped in your head was 'Levi' and all at once you felt relief, but it was just Jacob from behind, and you couldn't breathe either from anger or for fear. 

Raven hair sweeping in and steel eyes looking over you, and now Levi was holding Jacob's hand away from you and you just wanted to run away. 

All you heard were some muffled yelling, you couldn't tell. It sounded like you were underwater, drowning. The muffling got louder, and you realized it was directed at you. 

Levi's mouth was moving but you're still underwater, the only thing you're left with his eyes that are usually steal blue but they look more like a sea blue at this moment and it's mesmerizing. 

You resurface and Levi is just searching your face, a look of worry plastered on his face, and you realize you have never seen this expression so vividly on Levi before and you want to take your fingers, smooth out the creases between his eyebrows. He breaks your thoughts when you clearly hear him speak, 

"Why are you shaking?" 

You look down at your hands, which Levi is actually holding, and they are shaking, a lot. You also notice your breathing is ragged, and it's getting worse, and you want to leave. 

It seems that Levi knows this, because before you know it, you're under Levi's arm being woven through the stinky crowds, up to your room where you and Levi are staying. The room is already sectioned in two by a blanket and the oil lamp had burned out. The room is dark but once the door is shut, you feel safe and tears start escaping your eyes. 

"What the hell is going on?" Levi demands, but the way his voice is, you could tell this wasn't interrogative. But you stare at the wall. You sit down. The whole world is spinning, and you're still in the middle of your panic attack. You lay down. Raise your arms above your head. Nothing is helping and Levi is still on the other side of the room. He makes his way to your side, and you answer, 

"It's nothing, it's fine," because the last thing you want is for Levi to be involved in your dirt. 

"Bullshit. Tell me what he did." 

You completely burst. Not a pretty cry either. You sobbed out of fear, anger, but mostly sadness and you put your forearms over your face so Levi didn't have to see it. 

You could feel him sitting next to you, but he didn't do anything, say anything. At one point he touched your shoulder and when you didn't do anything to stop him he rubbed in small circles. 

You found yourself gathering breaths in the same tempo as Levi, his breaths an anchor that kept you breathing and gaining yourself back. 

Hours had passed. You sat in your bed, eating very little, even though Levi told you to eat a lot. It was late in the night and you could still feel the tightness in your skin from your salty tears. It had been a long time since you had a mental breakdown like that, and it freaked you out even more that the cause of it was still out there. On top of that, Levi was present for the whole of it. Not only present, but involved, as in he was sitting beside your bed, scolding you for not eating your crackers. 

You had barely peeped a word since your episode, so Levi almost jumped when you apologized. 

"Sorry for what?" He asked. 

You pulled at stray threads from the comforter, feeling a little terrible, and pathetic. Levi came to your bed, sat down next to your form. You noticed he had taken his vest and jacket off, leaving him in just his button up and trousers. The first two buttons were undone, and you felt a little embarrassed to be seeing him like this. 

"(Last Name)." 

The words sounded nice on his lips, and his voice in general was something that of soothing. It was an odd sensation, a weird thought, but you let it in. You let yourself like these things about Levi. 

"You can... tell me anything. If you want. If you need to." 

The words were jumbled and not thought out correctly, kind of awkward, but you felt tears come to your eyes. Good tears. 

"Thanks Levi." You tried not to sound as gushy as you felt, since you were in front of your captain. 

Your Captain, and shit, you had just called him by his first name. You had only realized because the moment you did, Levi's demeaner changed ever so slightly, like it was almost a switch. A hidden agreement that the two of you had become friends, not captain and squad member. 

You were now very aware of the color of his cheeks, the movement of his eyes, the shape of his fingers when he swatted a strand of hair from his face. 

Levi was now the center of your attention and it helped keep your mind off things.


End file.
